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A sense of belonging

Updated: Mar 27

Spam Filter For Your Brain - Episode 69

What kind of emotions in your life make you feel like you belong?

It's probably not a question that you've asked yourself very much. And I invite you to get scribbling. Get yourself a piece of paper and a pen and fill a whole piece of paper with thoughts you have about what makes you feel welcome, what makes you feel at home, what makes you feel trusting, what makes you feel like you can relax? What are the emotions that you have that you seek for comfort? And when you can find those emotions, what kind of things do you think cause those emotions for you?

So, you can identify that when you meet somebody new, you want to feel like you can trust them and like they trust you. And then if I personally am to identify trust as something that I'm seeking, I'd sit there and I'd think about, what are the things that I do trust? If I were to put that in the context of relationships, I can think about some of my oldest friends, some of my best friends, and I try and identify exactly what thought it is that I have about these people that enables me to feel trusting. And it's things like "they're always there for me", "I know how they're going to respond." "I know that they love me very much.", "I know that I love them very much." "I know that they're reliable.", "I know that they have integrity.", "I know that they will always treat me with compassion and honesty."

These are some of the things that I can think about relationships. But when we are trying to look at something to work on as a new subject. So whether it's if we are looking at trying to create a new feeling in a relationship, finding a parallel relationship can sometimes be a little bit trickier because then we get all muddled in comparing one thing to another and what we should and shouldn't do and what we have and haven't been told. And actually we could just try and identify the emotion that we want and try and find that in some other places in our lives that might feel a bit more neutral.

So if I want to feel trusting, for example, what are some of the things that I do in my life that I feel very trusting about? I feel pretty trusting that I can put my shoes on, for example. I feel pretty trusting that when my doorbell goes that I'm going to go and answer it. I feel pretty trusting that when I have a meeting, I'm going to show up on time, probably a bit early because I don't like being late. When I know that these are sort of some certainties that I have in my life. What are some of the thoughts that I have about those things? Well, if it goes to putting on my shoes, maybe some of the thoughts that I have about that is, "I'm just going to do it.", "I know that they're there.", "These shoes are really comfy.", "These are what I'm choosing in this moment.", "I'd quite like to have dry feet." (I don't know that's relevant to a relationship. Anna) and where can I kind of pluck out some of these thoughts, maybe not the last one, and apply it to a new friendship or a new relationship?

When it goes to answering the doorbell, for example, when I hear my doorbell go, I trust that I'm going to want to see who's there. I'm going to be curious about what the alarm is. I'm going to be interested in what parcel might have arrived for me. I'm going to see if I can be helpful to one of my neighbours who might have accidentally rung my bell because they've forgotten their keys again. Maybe if, for example, I'm thinking about turning up to a meeting on time, some of my thoughts might be I want to make sure that when the person arrives in a coaching call, for example, that they feel safe and welcome and they know that I'm waiting for them. Not in an obligation way, but they know that they will be met by someone with open arms, effectively, even if that is just digital open arms, that they know that someone is there, prepared. And I want someone to know that I'm reliable and I'm going to be there for them.

And those kind of thoughts can be really easily applied to the idea of building a new relationship or meeting someone new or trusting, building that sense of trust within a new framework. So sometimes it's really useful to go to where you want to be and then start walking backwards. And that always starts with the feeling that you're either trying to move towards or move away from.

So what kind of emotions make you feel like you belong? What kind of emotions make you feel welcome? And what kind of emotions do you want to build your sense of home from?

Hope this is a fun little writing exercise for you this week and I look forward to speaking to you next week.


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