I remember what it felt like when someone asked me what I would do with that money.
It was mind-blowing to me and it was so interesting to watch my process, because I have always considered myself to be a very open-minded person, but it had never occurred to me to ask myself a question like this, because I didn't think of myself as “that kind of person”.
What kind of person is that? The kind of person who is considered talented enough to be in demand. To be charging for their time, the kind of person who looked and sounded impeccable. The kind of person who would hang around with rich people and not stand out like a sore thumb.
What they discovered was a whole of stereotypes and prejudices. I had not only been thinking about other people, but I had presumed that other people had been thinking about me.
Yet, because I had never been asked to contemplate such a question, all of these little beliefs went unnoticed. Yet all of these little beliefs layered on top of each other and created a picture where I did not believe I was that I was the kind of person who deserved money. All these little layers were so incremental that I hadn't noticed the identity they created until someone kicked the foundations and the whole thing came tumbling down.
The truth is, I always thought I needed “just enough” to get by. So that's all I ever created. But I realised I wanted the freedom and the choices the money gave me. I want to be able to help my friends out. I want to be able to afford treatments that ease my physical pain. I want to be able to surprise people unexpectedly and lavishly. I want to be generous. I want to support charities that are fighting for social justice. I want to be able to get the bill in a restaurant without a little bit of panic running through me about whether I would need to go without somewhere else if I did. I want to tip heavily. I want to stare at the ocean more and my inbox less.
I wanted my healing to create a worn path for others to be able to heal, So I chose to be loud about it. Changing my relationship with money has changed what is available to me. I mostly what has changed is my relationship with myself.
I cannot fight for my worth if I consider myself worthless. I cannot undermine myself and ask other people to value me. I cannot continue to try and take up as little space as possible whilst asking people to see me. And the changes I want in my life and the changes I want to help create will never come from me playing small. I had to finally admit that I couldn't continue to sabotage myself and make a decent income.
Who would you become if you became someone who asked for their needs to be met? For their work to be valued? For their time to be treated with respect? What else could be