Just trust yourself is BS - Breaking Free From Self-Doubt: Stop Outsourcing Your Decisions
- HeardinLondon
- Mar 19
- 10 min read
Spam Filter For Your Brain - Episode 174
You should just trust yourself. " Just trust yourself!" Everyone says like you weren't already trying to do that. The problem is that "just trust yourself" doesn't mean anything when no one ever taught you how. And in fact, most of us were actually socialised to do completely the opposite.
We were mostly taught that we should not trust ourselves and that we should defer to everybody, else because they're more important, more knowledgeable, more skillful, probably have more authority than we do. And probably the last thing that we should actually do is to trust ourselves.
And this comes through in so much messaging from us, from a lot of the schooling that many of us received from religion to politicians to the patriarchy. There are so many messages coming in the bombard us the whole time that we silly little people cannot be trusted. And actually we should defer our decision making or auth authority to somebody else.
And although lots of us know that this stuff is going on. Sometimes when it comes to our own self opinion or decisions about ourselves or things that involve us personally. We can think of this as some internalised flaw that we personally have developed. And so our feedback cannot be trusted about ourselves, and so we seek it elsewhere. And we can see that both that systemically should not be happening, but also for us, we are individually flawed enough that this really is how we should behave.
And this week. I just wanted to call out where some of this stuff can seep into our skin so much that we don't even notice that we're doing it.
And actually to just be able to spot what's going on for us helps us be able to create some kind of pause and disruption to go, is that actually what I want to be doing?
Learning to hear what your own voice is underneath all of the noise of this taught deferment, is a skill that we can learn and practice, and I think that the first step in this skill, is just pausing to notice when you catch yourself thinking, oh, I should go and seek some kind of validation from other people. Their feedback is more important than what I think for myself. Just noticing when you wanna call a friend and ask their opinion on something, or you wanna ask someone else what they would do, or when you have something in front of you and there's some decisions ahead and your instinct response is, "I don't know", just take a beat, take a breath, and go, "what if this was up to me? What if there were no wrong decisions here? What if there was no punishment, retribution, or bad outcomes for making the 'wrong' decision? What would I do then? What feels like the thing that is the obvious answer? If there were no consequences."
And that doesn't mean that you necessarily have to do that thing, but when you take away that strip of a threat, of the danger element on the horizon of if it all goes wrong, you can actually then immediately hone into what it is that you would do, if there was no fallout.
And when you can tune into those things that you think that you would do, what you've also identified as what you want.
And we don't always have to do the thing just because we want it, but it is really important for us to notice those things that we want. Because then we can make active choices about them.
And this isn't just another podcast telling you to trust yourself, but actually I really want you to spend a moment this week noticing that when you go and ask someone else, when you defer that responsibility, when you outsource your own autonomy, you're actually eroding your self trust. You are undermining the idea that you might know what is best for you, and we have so much messaging of that going on around us the whole time, We could really do with being on our own side.
Reclaiming our inner authority is a massive act of rebellion and building this structural trust within ourselves, will be able to help us set boundaries in the future that stop other people driving us off course, or finding ourselves somewhere where we end up being like, " how did I not see that coming?"
"How could they have done that thing to me?" "How could I have let it get that far?" Which is something that I hear in so many work situations. Sometimes in relationship situations, often with money, you don't get carried up in everyone else's ideas as to what your life should be like and what is best for you, when you have a solid core knowing how to connect with what you actually want. And then being able to make decisions from there.
So this week I'm trying to encourage you to trust yourself and if you don't agree with the single thing I've said, that is brilliant. Well done you. You are completely allowed to, and I applaud it.
I look forward to speaking to you next week.
How to Build Self-Trust: Reclaiming Your Inner Authority in a World That Teaches Us to Doubt Ourselves
For anyone who’s ever been told, “Just trust yourself”—only to feel confused or frustrated by that empty encouragement—this one’s for you. On this week’s episode of Spam Filter for Your Brain, HeardinLondon unpacks the concept of building self-trust in a world that’s spent decades, if not centuries, quietly teaching us to look outward instead of inward.
If you’ve ever caught yourself doubting your ability to make the best decisions for yourself, constantly seeking validation from friends, family, or Google, you’re not alone. Building self-trust isn’t something most of us just stumble into—it’s a long-term process, often involving unlearning years of outdated rules and reclaiming your internal compass.
Understanding Why We Struggle to Trust Ourselves
From day one, many of us are socialised to believe that we shouldn’t trust ourselves. Whether it’s the authority of teachers, religious figures, politicians, or the insidious messaging of the patriarchy, it’s easy to internalise the idea that our own judgement isn’t quite up to scratch. The result? A solid foundation of self-doubt that seeps into our daily lives, quietly nudging us to defer our choices or seek approval elsewhere.
This learned deferment shows up everywhere: double-checking our instincts before major life decisions, polling mates before changing jobs, or agonising over what’s objectively best instead of tuning into what feels right. The crucial first step, as HiLy points out, is simply noticing when this deference sneaks in—when we reach for the phone instead of trusting our own opinion.
The Power of the Pause: Building Self-Trust Day by Day
One of the most important self-trust exercises is learning to pause before automatically outsourcing your decision-making. Next time you’re faced with a choice, ask yourself:
What if this decision were completely up to me?
What would I do if there was no wrong answer—if nobody was watching, judging, or waiting for me to mess up?
How would I choose if there were no threat of punishment or negative outcomes?
Removing the imaginary threats and big consequences, even just for a moment, lets us hear our own voice above the noise. It helps identify what we actually want, regardless of whether we even end up choosing it. The more we flex this muscle, even in small, low-stakes situations, the more we practice the core skill at the heart of building self-trust.
Why Outsourcing Your Autonomy Erodes Your Self-Confidence
Each time we defer our own authority—asking someone else to validate our choices, or ignoring our first instinct in favour of outside opinions—it quietly chips away at our internal confidence. It’s almost like telling your brain, “I don’t trust your judgement, so I’ll check with someone better.” Over time, this habit can lead to larger issues: feeling lost, struggling to set boundaries, or ending up in situations where you wonder how things got so off track (HiLy).
Reclaiming your inner authority isn’t just good for your self-esteem—it’s an act of personal rebellion in a world that’s spent too long telling you you can’t be trusted to run your own life. When you begin to trust yourself in everyday choices, you lay the foundations for bigger, bolder decisions and healthier boundaries.
Self-Trust as the Foundation for Setting Boundaries and Making Aligned Choices
Learning to make decisions from a place of genuine self-knowledge doesn’t mean always getting it right. In fact, it means allowing yourself the grace to get things wrong without punishment, shame, or relentless self-questioning. The most pivotal self-trust advice from this episode? The more you practise checking in with yourself—and honouring your preferences, desires and “gut feelings”—the less likely you are to be swayed by the expectations of others.
In the work environment, relationships, or personal finances, a strong core of self-trust can protect you from ending up somewhere you never intended to go. It helps you spot red flags, assert your boundaries, and make choices that genuinely serve your wellbeing.
Building Self-Trust Is a Lifelong Practice—Not a One-Time Achievement
As HeardinLondon so warmly reminds us, building self-trust is about more than slapping a slogan on a sticky note. It’s about noticing where old patterns lead us to betray our own authority, and gently disrupting those patterns with curiosity and presence.
If nothing HiLy said in this episode resonates? Brilliant! That reaction in itself is a small act of self-trust—and you’re more than allowed to hold your own opinion.
So this week, experiment with catching yourself in those moments of doubt. Pause and listen before outsourcing your choices. Each small act of checking in is a tiny rebellion—a vote for your own credibility. Trust yourself, just a tiny bit more than you did yesterday.
And as always, tune in next week for more brain spam filtering—and a celebration of forging your own path, even when the world tells you otherwise.
Quick Summary: 5 Key Takeaways
Self-trust is a skill, not an instinct.
Most people are taught to defer to others and not trust themselves.
Start by noticing when you want outside validation.
Pausing brings awareness to your own wants and opinions.
Building self-trust helps set boundaries and navigate life on your terms.
How do I start building self-trust if I’ve always relied on others?
Direct Answer: Begin by simply noticing when you want to seek validation or opinions from others. Catch yourself in the moment, take a pause, and ask: “What would I do if there were no consequences?” This builds awareness of your own preferences and intuitions.
Expanded: HeardinLondon explains that most of us are conditioned to look to others instead of listening to our own voice. The key is to first create a moment of pause whenever you feel the urge to ask for advice. Reflect on what you’d choose if there was no risk or fear of mistakes. This is how you start reconnecting with your true wants.
Why is it so hard to trust myself?
Direct Answer: It's difficult because society, schooling, and authority figures have taught many of us from a young age to defer to others, making self-doubt feel normal.
Expanded: According to HeardinLondon, we’re constantly bombarded with messages—from school, religion, politics, even patriarchy—that “we silly little people cannot be trusted.” Recognising this conditioning helps you realise self-doubt isn't your flaw—it’s learned.
What’s the first step for learning to trust myself?
Direct Answer: The first step is noticing your impulse to seek outside validation, and simply pausing to reflect before acting on that urge.
Expanded: HeardinLondon suggests: “the first step in this skill is just pausing to notice when you can catch yourself thinking, oh, I should go and seek some kind of validation from other people.” Awareness is always the foundation of change.
How can I hear my own “authentic” voice beneath the noise?
Direct Answer: Practice tuning in. When faced with a decision, ask: “If there were no negative consequences, what would I want to do?” This clears the noise and lets your inner wants surface.
Expanded: Strip away fears and expectations, and imagine making choices with total freedom. The answer you find is what you truly want—even if you choose not to act on it, knowing your own desires is key.
What should I do when I catch myself always asking others for advice?
Direct Answer: Pause, breathe, and reframe: “What would I do if I trusted myself?” Use this as a mini-experiment to access your own opinions.
Expanded: "Just noticing when you want to call a friend and ask their opinion… take a beat, take a breath and go, what if this was up to me?” advises HeardinLondon. This breaks the pattern of automatic deferral.
Why does deferring to others erode self-trust?
Direct Answer: Each time you prioritise others’ opinions over your own, you send yourself the message that your own judgment can’t be trusted, undermining your internal authority.
Expanded: HeardinLondon points out, “when you go and ask someone else… you’re actually eroding your self trust.” This chips away at the confidence you need to set boundaries and protect your best interests.
How does building self-trust help with boundaries and life choices?
Direct Answer: A solid sense of self-trust helps you set boundaries, avoid being swept up in others’ expectations, and prevents regret from letting others steer your life.
Expanded: When you trust your own authority, you’re less likely to end up thinking, “How did I let this happen to me?”—common in work, relationships, and money matters. Self-trust keeps you aligned with your own path.
Can I disagree with advice and still be self-trusting?
Direct Answer: Absolutely—questioning advice, even this podcast episode, is a sign of self-trust in action!
Expanded: HeardinLondon says, “if you don’t agree with a single thing I’ve said, that is brilliant. Well done you. You are completely allowed to and I applaud it.” Autonomy is the goal—not agreement for agreement’s sake.
What actionable steps can I take this week to build self-trust?
Notice each time you seek outside validation.
Pause before acting—ask what you want.
Imagine there are no wrong answers, just curiosity.
Record your authentic wants in a journal—no need to act, just notice.
Celebrate any small choices you make that are truly your own.
How long does it take to build trust in myself?
Direct Answer: Building self-trust is ongoing, but even small moments of pausing and noticing make a difference. Each time you claim authority over your choices, you strengthen this skill.
Expanded:Like any habit or mindset shift, the more you practice, the easier it gets. Self-trust isn’t “achieved” once, but grown daily.
What if I make a mistake while trusting myself?
Direct Answer: Mistakes are part of the process! Self-trust grows not by never erring, but by learning you can handle the outcomes and try again.
Expanded: Trusting yourself doesn’t mean you’re always right—it means you’re willing to own your experience and adapt. That’s where real growth happens.
What are key quotes from this episode about self-trust?
“Just trust yourself doesn’t mean anything… if no one ever taught you how.”
“Learning to hear your own voice underneath all of the noise of this taught deferment is a skill.”
“Pausing to notice… when you seek validation from other people.”
“What if there were no wrong decisions here?”
“You are undermining the idea that you might know what is best for you.”
“Reclaiming our inner authority is a massive act of rebellion.”
“When you have a solid core, you don’t get carried up in everyone else’s ideas.”
“If you don’t agree with a single thing I’ve said, that is brilliant… I applaud it.”
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