Stop Pretending You’re Not Judgmental (and what to do instead)
- HeardinLondon
- Oct 30
- 5 min read
Spam Filter For Your Brain - Episode 154
Something I often hear from people when they are trying to be welcoming and inclusive is, "I don't wanna be judgmental". Or "I shouldn't be judgmental". And one of the things, the very first things I learned when I was in training to be a counselor was that we're all judgmental and calling yourself non-judgmental or saying that you shouldn't be judgmental as she just ignores the kind of judgment that we are taught and socialised into, and if we are saying that we are nonjudgmental, we are immediately putting ourselves on a pedestal like we are not one of the "bad people".
And it also means that we are not acknowledging the kind of things that we have been taught, have absorbed on our own personal prejudices.
Now, the problem with us not acknowledging what's going on for us and the problem with not acknowledging our own socialisation is that if we are then called judgmental, even if it's by ourselves, we become defensive, because we all wanna be the good people.
And so calling ourselves nonjudgmental or saying that we are not the kind of person who would judge somebody else immediately makes us create this kind of barrier towards our own learning and towards actually becoming more inclusive and being willing to listen to where we might have messed things up or we might not have done things in a way which is as inclusive as we might have liked.
Being nonjudgmental is actually just a myth.
But it's not completely gone to waste. What we can do is when we notice ourselves, and I think I notice this in a lot of people, is that desire to go, "I'm not a kind of judgmental person", or "I don't want to be someone who judges others". That is, uh, a little highlighter point to go: what is there to learn here? What am I defending myself against? What have I, what does my brain just veered towards, and I'm trying to reign it back from?
To change that sense of judgment into a sense of curiosity can offer us some real learning to be able to open up our hearts and our brains and our actions towards being more inclusive to more people, and of course towards ourselves.
We can't stop ourselves from judging. But the irony is that we get quite judgmental about ourselves from being judgmental.
And that's something that we can kind of put brakes on when we notice that that's what we're doing. And observance is the first step in trying to create any sustainable change.
Judgment is protective. It's defensive. It's you wanting to be one of the "good people", and curiosity is expansive. It's inclusive. It's more what haven't I seen or heard yet? So using judgment as a little mark in the sand to go, okay, what's going on around here? Can mean that judgment is actually quite a useful thing for us to, to notice that we are doing.
The skill of shifting "i've done something wrong", or "you've done something wrong" into an expansive. "Okay, what else could be possible here?" Is the skill, I believe, of transforming conversations into a place of shutdown or finger pointing or spiky arguments into a place of "how can we see more from the other person's perspective?" And so that we can build a world which is more kind and compassionate to other people's lived experiences.
Curiosity is a way to create empathy, and that is something which I believe is very much needed in the world right now.
So the next time you catch yourself thinking that you're not a kind of judgmental person, or you hear someone say that they don't want to be judgmental, note it, Take a breath, look around, see what else might be going on here, and see where there could be some learning to be had.
I'll speak to you next week.
Stop Being So Judgmental: Why Embracing Curiosity Creates Inclusivity
One of the phrases I hear over and over again in conversations about inclusivity is, “I don’t want to be judgmental,” or, “I shouldn’t be judgmental.” If you’ve ever caught yourself saying this, you’re not alone. We’re taught to see judgment as the antithesis of kindness, but what if I told you that pretending to be “non-judgmental” may actually hold us back from real inclusivity and growth?
Let’s unpack why “being non-judgmental” is more myth than reality—and how swapping judgment for curiosity is one of the best ways to build a more inclusive world, for others and ourselves.
We Are All Judgmental - And That’s Okay
The first lesson I learned in my counsellor training was: everyone is judgmental. Before you click away, hear me out. Claiming we’re not—or that we shouldn’t be—isn’t helpful. In fact, it ignores the biases and values we’ve absorbed through society, upbringing, and personal experience.
When we put ourselves on a “non-judgmental” pedestal, it prevents us from acknowledging the source of our judgments. And if someone dares call us judgmental (even if we realise it ourselves), we immediately get defensive. Why? Because we all want to see ourselves as “good people.” That defensiveness builds a wall—blocking us from real learning about our blind spots and opportunities to be more inclusive.
The Real Trap: Becoming Judgmental About Being Judgmental
Here’s the irony: the more we try to be the perfect “non-judgmental” person, the more likely we’ll criticise ourselves when any judgment or bias pops up. It’s a lose-lose loop.
But if you truly want to nurture inclusivity, awareness is the first step. Notice those moments when you feel the need to assert, “I’m not the judgmental type.” Pause. Get curious. That impulse is a highlighter for potential growth. Ask yourself:
What am I trying to defend?
What beliefs did I absorb growing up?
How does my brain want to shortcut or label in this moment?
Turn Judgment Into Curiosity for Genuine Inclusivity
We can’t stop judging. It’s protective, even necessary at times. But we can transform judgment into curiosity. While judgment closes us off, curiosity opens us to others’ perspectives. Instead of fixating on who’s right or wrong, try asking, “What else could be going on here?” or “What haven’t I seen or heard yet?”
This mindset shift is a game-changer for productive, inclusive discussions. It’s the difference between spiralling into defensive arguments and moving toward genuine understanding and connection.
Why Curiosity Builds Empathy—and a Kinder World
Curiosity is the soil where empathy grows. When we ask questions and listen, we allow space for multiple perspectives—making way for real compassion, understanding, and yes, true inclusivity. In a climate that so often rewards finger-pointing, we desperately need more of this.
Quick Takeaways for Examining Judgment and Fostering Curiosity
Recognise judgment as normal. We all do it—it’s human.
Notice defensive reactions. If you feel the urge to distance yourself from a “bad” label, get curious instead.
Replace judgment with questions. Use those moments as opportunities to learn about yourself and others.
Remember: curiosity > judgment. This is where empathy and inclusivity thrive.
Next time you catch yourself (or someone else) insisting they’re “not judgmental,” pause, breathe, and ask: What could I learn in this moment? You might be surprised at what you discover—about others, and about yourself.
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