@HEARDinLONDON #blog

What do boundaries mean to you?

Do you only state your boundaries when you think another person has done you wrong?


A few weeks ago I posted on social media asking what thoughts people had around boundaries. You can see the tweet here. There are some really interesting answers about not allowing other people’s behaviour to encroach on your own. Some talk of Shame and people pleasing and feelings of giving too much away.


But what if your boundaries were about your story and the life you chose, rather than what other people did to you? What if you were able to map out your own plan of what you want and what you do not want in your life, and gain a clear understanding of what to do when your line you have drawn has been tested.


I used to really struggle with this stuff. I thought that I should just give everything away people would like me. So I gave it all away, time, energy, money (oh my goodness, how painful can it be to set money boundaries?). I thought that I that if I gave all of these things away, I would be worthy of love. Or at least hide what a dreadful human I thought I was. I could disguise it with all of this altruism. But it's a fallacy. It is a weak mask because what that behaviour does is, it sets an example to others that they should also be giving everything away. And there is an element of privilege in being able to self-sabotage in this way. Not everyone is at liberty to give it all away for free. Not everyone has the means and resources to disregard themselves in this manner and what message is that sending about people who do hold their ground, who do need to charge for their time or people who are not able to go that extra mile or ten?


How different things became when I started practising asking to be paid. Marking my own time as sacred. When I began to keep commitments to myself in the same way that I committed to others.


What this allowed was room for more people around me or who look a bit like me or who were on a similar path to myself, to be shown how different life could be when you decided to stand in your own power and take up space.


I have curated everything I have learned about boundaries into a coaching and self study course which is running throughout March. It is a four week course where we going to try and untangle some of this stuff, show each other how much we all gain from keeping up boundaries clear.


If you would like to join, please follow the link here https://www.selfcareschool.co.uk/p/boundaries


Bursaries are available. Because asking to be paid for my work has to come with a deeper understanding of equity. I do not want my work to be replicating the systems which oppressed folk.


The course starts in two weeks. Who is coming?