I'm worried they don't like me. The Approval Trap: Why Their Dislike Isn’t a Verdict on Your Worth
Spam Filter For Your Brain - Episode 210
This week I want to talk about something which most of us have probably worried about at some point or other, probably in the last 24 hours, which is that awful phrase, "I'm worried that they don't like me." We're gonna start at the very premise of this thought. I'm worried that they don't like me.
Notice that it's a worry, not knowledge, not fact, not circumstance.
We don't actually know what other people think. Half the time we don't actually know what we think. It's just that our brains decide that there is some sort of detail that we have plucked out here that we are telling ourselves is evidence that this person has rejected us, and that the verdict is in, and we know that we are bad people because they have decided that they don't want to hang around with us.
That's not perception, that's projection.
The worry is almost rarely about the other person. And if we were genuinely worried about these things most of the time, we would try and communicate it. But what we try and do is solve for something that we don't even know whether it's true or not.
And I want to invite you this week to just take a little step back, because most of the time it is not about whether we think that person thinks that we are unlikable or not. It is about what we are making that mean about ourselves if we believe them to not like us.
So what would it mean about you if they didn't like you?
Let's pretend "they don't like me" is a circumstance, and I don't think it is, but let's pretend that it is for a minute. What we then make that mean is "I am not likable", and these are two separate things. They don't like me, and I am not likable. But we have them completely enmeshed with each other.
It is the thought "I am not likable" that is doing the damage. This is the thought that means that one particular instance we pluck out, and we apply it everywhere, that we make this a complete verdict on our worth.
And I know that you know this, but this week I just want to remind you that you can't make everyone like you, and probably you wouldn't want everyone to like you.
You cannot make everyone like you, and trying to do this is one of the most exhausting projects a human can undertake.
Some people aren't gonna like you for exactly the reasons that have nothing to do with you and all about their story, their past, Maybe you remind them of someone from school, or their partner's ex, or someone at work, or, you know, maybe you are wearing a perfume that really gets their back up.
Some people aren't gonna like you because of exactly who you are and all of the things that you really value about yourself as a person. And honestly, those people are doing you a favour by opting out.
What tends to happen is when we get worried about people liking us and thinking that it is a verdict on our worth, when we make it mean that we are not likable, this people-pleasing tendency comes in that comes from that thought of they might not like me, and it's a protection strategy.
We think if we can do all of the right things to make everything all right, then the people will like us, even if we're just not their cup of tea. There's a great phrase which is, you could be the most gorgeous, juicy peach in the whole world, and some people just don't like peaches.
This protection strategy that has made us believe that every time we are rejected, it is a threat to our very survival, was really useful at some point.
Keeping people happy at one point in all of our history, and at some point definitely throughout our genetics, has kept us safe. Now, the brain has learnt this lesson.
The problem is that it's now applying this lesson absolutely everywhere, including in situations where we're not really at risk anymore.
So this week, there is one simple disruptive, irritating question that I'm gonna leave you with, and that's: "Do I like them?"
Do you wanna hang around with someone who doesn't wanna hang around with you?
Do you want to date someone who doesn't want to date you?
Because most of the time, when we're consumed by whether someone approves of us or not, we completely skip over the question of whether we actually enjoy their company or not.
Your approval matters, too.
I'm gonna leave that with you this week. I'll speak to you next week
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