Why “I Would Never Speak to a Friend Like That” Isn’t Enough

Spam Filter For Your Brain - Episode 199

Listen here

https://youtu.be/kIVhahvATHU

Something that I hear people say really often, which sounds like it's a useful observation and to help us treat ourselves with more kindness, but actually I think lands a bit more like an accusation, is, "I would never speak to somebody else like that." And we also use it for other people, " Would you speak to a friend like that?" And that's kind of where it stops. We notice that we wouldn't speak to other people in that way, and the insinuation is if you know that you wouldn't speak to someone else like that, you'd just stop doing it. But the fact is that most of us do know, and we don't stop doing it because we don't know how, and it's that missing piece of the jigsaw that I would like to try and address this week with a few very calculated questions that you can maybe chip away at some of this stuff so you can speak to yourself with more kindness.

So there is a deep-seated truth hidden underneath that phrase, "I would never speak to somebody else like that." And I don't think it gets enough acknowledgement. And that is very clearly that if we are saying we would not speak to somebody else like that, but we are speaking to ourselves like that, what we're saying is we are not a friend to ourselves.

And even though it isn't said as clearly as that, there's something about it that doesn't sit right. We know we wouldn't treat somebody else like that, and we know that we are speaking to ourselves like that, and that we shouldn't be doing it. And so we use this as some kind of ammunition. I know better, I should be doing better, therefore I'm a terrible person, therefore I'm not doing self-development work right, therefore I'm not doing this whole kindness, "being a good person" thing right.

We're just using it as more ammunition to tell ourselves off, which our brain receives as danger, criticism, and is not helping solve this problem at all. What we're doing is just turning into another school bully in our brain. 

So I think it's just worth flipping this a little bit and asking ourselves some very pointed questions:

So you wouldn't speak to a friend like that, but what would you want them to know instead? What is the reason you wouldn't speak to a friend like that? Because you would want them to know what? You would want them to feel what? Now, I don't believe you can cause their feelings, but I do believe that the intent that you would like to afford them somewhat scripts how you choose to interact. So what are you hoping for by not speaking to your friend like that? I would be guessing that you're hoping they would feel some sense of care, belonging, feeling cherished, feeling valued, feeling respected. Once you've identified these kind of things around you, like a little word cloud, how can you bring these things home to yourself? How can you acknowledge that these are things that you value as important, and so there must be something about you that prioritises them. Where are you good at this stuff? Where does this stuff show up in your life? Where are you respectful? Where are you kind? Where are you compassionate? Listing these things takes us away from the criticism of the things that we shouldn't be doing and brings it home to our own value system. 

And the next question I think is really powerful, and that is, yes, you wouldn't speak to a friend like that and you probably wouldn't stand by and let a mate speak to themselves like that. But what would happen if you heard someone else speaking to someone that you love like that?

Because when we take it to that level, it can feel a lot clearer to see what is and isn't okay about the stuff that we're saying, and why. and suddenly it becomes that sort of extra stepping out, getting an overview as to what's going on, and going, "Absolutely hell no would I tolerate someone I care about being spoken to like that." You'd probably step in and speak up. So how can I make myself one of those people that I care about?

And the final point, which again I think is really powerful when it's used at the right moment, is, is someone being spoken to in that manner something that I want to be perpetrating in the world? For me personally, as a cisgender woman, I would say, do I want to be someone who contributes to a woman being spoken to like that? I just happen to be that woman.

Using your politics to turn around and get a broader overview for the the things that you're putting out there into the world, and the things that you're feeling internally, can sometimes be the drawing a line in the sand that we need.

So to recap, the things that I think are really useful to undermine and take forward that version of, "I would never speak to somebody else like that."

" I would never speak to a friend like that" Why? Why wouldn't you speak to a friend like that? Get those things in a list.

Would you tolerate someone else speaking to your friend like that? If not, why not?

What are the things you'd like them to know? What are the things that you would say to someone in those kind of circumstances?

And is this something that you want to be contributing to? 

These are some really great stopgap points to interrupt those patterns that can feel like old habits, and I hope having some of these interrupters to hand is a useful way for you to start speaking more kindly to yourself.

Hope that's been useful , and I will speak to you next week 

Free People Pleasing Workbook