Navigating Friendship Boundaries
- HeardinLondon
- 7 days ago
- 6 min read
Spam Filter For Your Brain - Episode 182
It can be tricky to be a good friend sometimes, especially when no one gives you a rule book, but everybody has one.
I think most of us have probably at least one friend within our circle who needs possibly more support than we can give, and in these wild times when so many of us are overstretched, it's important to try and work out how you can set boundaries that both protect your energy and protect the relationship. That's what I'd like to talk to you about this week.
A lot of the people that I coach have an idea of friendship being a
structure of reciprocity. Someone gives you this, you give them that, you meet in the middle. And that isn't a format that I've ever found particularly useful, and I haven't found it particularly useful because we all have different skill sets, and because I am someone who benefits when I get to love someone, and when I get to have amazing, incredible people in my life; I don't think they need to give me anything back for that.
What I hear from a lot of other people is, " I do all these things for someone, and I don't get anything back." And when you're keeping score like this, what I find is it distracts you away from the joy of being able to hang out with people.
And this comes up nowhere more obviously than realising that you might have particular people in your life who you're always there for them, you would drop anything for them, Whenever they wanna speak to you, you're there to pick up the phone, and that is not returned when you need someone, when you need someone to pick up the phone, and when you need someone to be there for you.
And you have a choice at this stage. There is no right or no wrong answer. It's just simply a case of do I have space to be able to choose to care about someone even if they're not giving me the same kind of stuff back?
Personally, I choose to. I enjoy it. I get to choose who I have in my life without holding some big old scorecard. But maybe you don't want that. Maybe you only want people who can reflect to you the kind of love and care that you want to see reflected back to you. The people who can show you the kind of care that you think that you deserve.
I don't think that my friends don't give me care that I deserve, I just think that they show up how they're able to show up, and I want them to show up in full authenticity, not with some rule book that I've slapped down for them about how they should behave.
So if I'm there to listen to someone's problems, and they're not there to listen to mine, maybe it's because that just isn't their skillset. Maybe it isn't something that they're really good at, or they really have noticed or, you know, frankly something that they've trained in, and maybe they're not the right people to listen. I think we've all been in situations where we've offloaded on someone, and they have given us either the worst reactions or the worst responses. Sometimes I think it can be a lot worse to offload on someone who is not capable of listening well than it is to feel like no one is listening.
But when we don't have this idea of boundaries and expectations about the relationships that we have in our life and the people around us, it can stretch out into not having boundaries in our friendships in all kinds of areas. I think that it's a continuum, but this is the same sort of reason why we can end up in a restaurant where other people wanted to go, and we can't afford it, and we end up paying for, let's say, other people's drinks when we haven't been drinking, or when we haven't been able to voice that that restaurant doesn't have any food options for us, and to sort of go along and keep the peace and be quiet.
It's worth noticing that those trying to not speak up so that you can overgive so that , in brackets, so that you can be liked, is also the kind of thing that we are taught in society is the kind of things that keep us safe: Keeping ourselves small, keeping ourselves meek equals likable, equals lovable, equals someone who other people will want around.
And so it's not surprising that we default into this position, but when we start to notice it, we can then make conscious choices about whether that's something that we want to carry on continuing to do.
And saying things like, "I'm sorry, that doesn't work for my budget," or, "Is there somewhere else we could go?" Or, "Could we do it on a different date?" These can all feel like really uncomfortable things that you don't want to say. But it's a practice, and asking for your needs, advocating for what you want, and possibly going against what a group or another person wants, is something that initially is gonna feel really uncomfortable. But the more you do it, the more that you're able to see that your needs are as important as other people. But it's a muscle that you've got to build.
And I think a really good way to just start looking at how you can rehearse these skills is after you've had an interaction with someone, just do a little energy audit. Do you feel buoyed up by it? Do you feel completely drained by it? Do you feel like you have more desire for more connection, and you're really hoping to see that person again?- Doesn't have to be today. -Or is it something where you're like, "Oh, God. I really hope I can stave off the next meeting for as long as possible"?
When you get home from an event, just have a little check-in with yourself. Were there ways where you thought that you could advocate for your needs more? Were there things that you did that would have left you with more energy rather than less? Were there things that went on and dynamics that maybe drained more energy than you have? And are the different ways that you could speak to yourself?
We wouldn't go into a work environment without doing any kind of assessment as to how things are. Doing these kind of little calibrations as to what's working for us and what isn't, is gonna remind us that checking in with our bodies is a vital part of how we build our relationships. It's a vital part of reminding us that our needs are important.
And just having a little bit of a check of like, "Oh, that's the thing that felt really exhausting in that situation. That's the thing that really lifted me up. How can I do less of the things that don't make me feel like I'm nourished? And how can I do more of the things or vocalise a desire to do more of the things that really fill my cup and really help me build and connect and strengthen this friendship or relationship with this person?"
So just having a little energy audit at the end of a meeting, especially if you're feeling a bit like you just want to stare at a wall, can be a really useful way of making sure that you're building with every interaction, and that things are always flowing and growing, and making sure that you are not ever in a situation where you hit a brick wall and you're like, "This is just too much."
Doing these little habits along the way of reminding yourself that your body's important, that you've got a whole load of messages already going on, you just need to tap into, can just, you know, even if it's just two minutes while you're having a cup of tea or a glass of water when you get in, can just help build a level of trust with yourself, the best relationship that you can have, and to try and make sure that the interactions that you're having are fulfilling and nourishing and caring and kind for everyone.
So just a little time audit energy on your relationships and your friendship boundaries this week. Just a little guided practice. I hope that that is a useful suggestion for you.
And,, let me know how you get on with it. There's resources in the show notes. I personally would love it if you would leave a review for the podcast.
It helps it reach more people's ears. Super useful. And there are loads of fun things like weekly newsletter and everything in the show notes. Do pop over to www.SelfCareSchool.co.uk if you would like to learn more, and I will speak to you next week.
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