Stop all that exhausting finger pointing

Spam Filter For Your Brain - Episode 163

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There's something very specific that happens on a lot of coaching calls when people first come across my work or they first come into coaching calls , that I notice it preventing people from being able to make the kind of transformations that they want to within themselves and within their wider lives.

And it becomes quite apparent when someone arrives with something that they're trying to work on, quite how much progress people within www.SelfCareSchool.co.uk have made on themselves and, and their own thinking and creating their own agency from the way that they tell stories.

And what I mean is this, quite often someone will turn up to a coaching call and they will give me a huge amount of detail on the backstory, what's gone on, and how difficult it is because of other people.

And the key part there is the, "because of other people". 

Quite often people would disappear down rabbit holes of:

- she said this...

-they did that...

-he won't stop doing this...

-why does he always do this...?

There are many spirals of finger pointing towards other people, and people want to gimme a lot of details as to why they're having such a hard time because of what the other person's doing.

This episode of the podcast, I wanted to give you a really useful little brain hack that I use in a lot of my coaching sessions, and I find it really fundamental when you're starting to do this work, and that is that whenever you are starting to look at a story that involves someone else and you think that they're a problem or it's definitely, it's definitely their fault.

Just pause for a minute and look at the story that you're telling yourself, and you can ask yourself, "why is this a problem for me?" And it's that for me, bringing it back to yourself, how you want to respond, what you think about it, that gives you a sense of power and control and agency over your responses rather than their actions. I would love to be able to give you a magic wand that enabled you to be able to control what other people do and don't do in your life and create all kinds of things where they stop doing all of the things that cause you so much problems., But I haven't found it yet, and because I haven't found it, what I can do is give you the one thing that I know that will help, and that is to try and make sure that you are monitoring and observing your own thoughts and your own emotions so that you can make active choices about the responses that you have to stuff.

So the key way to be able to do this is when you are telling a story about someone else or something that is a difficulty, try and work out what is it for you that is a problem about that. So maybe it is you don't want them to do it, but they are.

Maybe it is that you have a belief system that people shouldn't behave in that way.

Maybe it is that you feel hurt or that you feel rejected, or that you think that there is a set of rules that you learn about how people should and shouldn't behave in these circumstances so when someone else does that, you find it kind of offensive.

So just notice what the story that is coming up for you is rather than what the action they are doing is.

And from there you can kind of untangle it a little bit more and then bring it home and make the choices that you want for your life going forward.

Because as long as we're losing ourselves in someone else's story, we have no control, no agency, and no ability to be able to regulate our own emotions, because someone else has just run away with all of our power.

So bringing it home to yourself just allows you to have a little bit more space, a little bit more presence, and a little bit more awareness as to the role you play within a dynamic and the kind of relationships and interactions and patterns that you want to create going forward.

So, very simple trick this week, but it is really useful.

Do try out, drop me a little message, let me know how it goes for you, and I'll speak to you next week.

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Keep It About You: How Self-Focus Creates Real Change

When was the last time you caught yourself retelling a story where everything that went wrong was down to someone else's behaviour? If you're nodding along already, you’re not alone, and it’s precisely this type of storytelling that HeardinLondon so skillfully unpacks in Episode 163 of Spam Filter for Your Brain: “Keep It About You.”

For anyone searching for actionable self care tips, strategies to manage interpersonal conflict, or ways to build emotional resilience, this episode is packed with wisdom. Below, we’ll explore the core teachings and offer practical ways to take control of your thoughts, address personal challenges, and boost emotional intelligence—all while weaving in long-tail keywords for better clarity and searchability.

Why We Lose Ourselves in Other People’s Stories

As HiLy observes, especially when newcomers join her coaching calls, it’s striking how often tales of frustration begin and end with the actions of others. The tendency to detail “what she said”, “why he always does this”, or “they did that” doesn’t simply describe events—it steers us into a spiral of finger-pointing. The tricky part? These stories are rarely just about others. They’re stories we tell ourselves, giving away our own power and agency in the process.

If you’re craving effective self care habits that lead to personal growth, it’s essential to step back and consider: “Why is this a problem for me?”

The Fundamental Brain Hack for Greater Emotional Control

Whether you’re looking for mindfulness strategies for stress management, help with emotional regulation techniques, or simply ways to take responsibility for your reactions, HeardinLondon offers a straightforward solution: bring it back to yourself. Pause when you find yourself locked in an external blame game and ask, “Why does this matter to me?”

When you shift the narrative inward, focusing on your response rather than someone else’s actions, the results are transformative. You reclaim your ability to choose how you want to act—regardless of how others behave—fueling your autonomy and boosting your sense of control.

Uncover What’s Really Bothering You

This self reflection technique is deceptively simple but deeply effective for anyone seeking personal development coaching or emotional wellness advice. Maybe you dislike what someone is doing, or maybe you hold a belief that “people shouldn’t behave that way”. Perhaps their actions trigger feelings of rejection or violate a set of personal rules you internalised early in life.

Spotting these stories unlocks crucial self awareness—one of the most valuable mental health improvement tips around. Instead of being swept away by someone else's behaviour, you can untangle your emotions, understand your triggers, and make choices about your own responses going forward.

The Power of Agency in Relationships

When you lose yourself in someone else’s story, you surrender your agency, leaving your emotional wellbeing at the mercy of external events. By practising self focused storytelling and active emotional monitoring, you can restore your sense of presence and design the kinds of relationships and patterns you genuinely desire.

This approach is key for anyone wanting to boost personal empowerment, improve communication in relationships, or strengthen their resilience to outside stressors.

Try It: Practical Self Care School Wisdom

HeardinLondon's advice isn’t just theory—it’s a call to action. Next time you get caught up in the drama of what someone else did, stop and ask, “What about this bothers me—for me?” That subtle shift supports both greater emotional regulation and improved decision-making, as well as enhanced mindfulness in difficult situations.

Whether you’re interested in growth mindset exercises, seeking out self agency techniques, or just want a reliable way to regulate your own emotions when life throws curveballs, this practice can help.

Take the Next Step on Your Self Care Journey

Implement this “keep it about you” habit and drop HeardinLondon a message about your experience. With each story you retell from your own perspective, you’ll gain more clarity and confidence over your life’s direction.

Discover more practical personal development coaching insights by tuning into Spam Filter for Your Brain for weekly mental clarity strategies, emotional resilience advice, and the best self care school tips for long-lasting change.

Free Relationships Workbook