top of page


What do you really want? (how to communicate your needs without undermining yourself)

Updated: May 30

Most of us can think of times it has been hard to communicate what we really wanted.

Or times when we say what we think the other person wants to hear, rather than what we really want to say.

And I think it is more common for us to get all mixed up in telling ourselves we should “stand up for ourselves” or need to “stop putting everyone else first”, and whilst those may be true, it is probably worth looking at why we do this stuff in the first place.

Sometimes criticising ourselves can be a habit rather than a conscious choice, and I have found it is useful to create disruptors to patterns rather than yelling at ourselves to change them.

We often feel bad for asking for things for ourselves is because we have been taught that “good” people are selfless, overgiving, unnoticed, invisible, of servitude, and invisible. And I think it is worth asking ourselves who taught us this. Who’s voice is this? And who is benefitting from us being their marketing department?

Because some people do really well out of us trying to make ourselves as small as possible.

And I invite you to get curious about whether this is something you want to contribute to? Do you want to create more of a world where only the loud, the pushy, the bold and the privileged are heard, respected and get a chance? Because often that is what we are perpetuating.

Who else do you make room for when you ask for a pay rise? Or for your tiredness to be taken into consideration when making plans or for your partner to do more of their share of the housework? What patterns are you disrupting? Who are you opening doors for so they do not have to push against the ones you are up against?

So next time you feel like you are afraid to say what you really want, think about what messages are you standing up for rather than who you are trying to make feel comfortable.

Because the more of us who stand up, the more of us will feel welcome.

Want to practice how?

Over at SelfCareSchool are going in depth for August:

4 weeks

4 classes

4 workbooks

4 group coaching calls

And less guilt - for life?

Want to join us?


bottom of page