In Love and Rage - what to do with all this anger
- HeardinLondon
- 11 hours ago
- 15 min read
Spam Filter For Your Brain - Episode 172
Often on these podcasts, I give you examples as to how this stuff could work in theory and how you can apply big lessons to your own life and to manage your own brain. And I've had quite a difficult week this week, and I think it might be useful for you to have an example as to how I use this stuff in my own life for the things that go on for me, because.
These ideas all sound very good, and like maybe if you do all of the things that you're gonna have everything sorted. And actually, the reason why I do this work, the reason I think any of us do this work, is not so that we can have this idealised sanitised life where nothing ever bothers us and nothing ever goes wrong. But when life throws the Lifey stuff at us, that we have tools that are useful for us to be able to recognise what's going on, process it and deal with it in a way that enables us to flow through it rather than to repeat our patterns that might not have served us in the past.
Now in a very delicate and carefully phrased way, what I will set the scenario is, is I have had a couple of people who I care about deeply, do things that disregarded my safety and disregarded my wellbeing over the weekend. Two separate people, two completely separate incidents.
And both of them together, left me feeling extremely hurt, and I'm trying to be very careful with my wording because for most of my life, and I think that most people who would look at a scenario like this might go, those people hurt me, and I don't believe that those people hurt me. I believe that my thoughts about what my expectations are of people that I have in my life, and the standards that I want to welcome into my life, and those people not treating me with that level of respect. That's the thing that has hurt me.
The fact that these people have not done the things that I thought were basic common decency. The fact that they haven't done that is the thing that is causing me suffering.
Now, for most of my life, I would've sat there and gone, " they shouldn't have done this". " They shouldn't have done that". " How could they do this to me?" " "I can't believe this is happening". Or the flip side of that, " I deserved this."
" I can't believe that this is happening again". " I must be so awful". " This keeps showing up in my life". And that was definitely the sort of vein and the theme that I operated most of my adult life in.
And with the tools now, I am able to feel a lot of extremely big emotions and allow me to process them, work through them, and then decide who I want to be at the other side.
Rather than, for most other times in my life where I have done things that I hoped would make the person change their behaviour, so I could feel okay.
And most of the time that behaviour change that I was hoping for, was if I could make myself smaller or nicer or more palatable, or if I could do the thing that would make them like me enough, then I would get some sort of validation or they wouldn't do the things that they have, the autonomy and choices to do. And I would be okay.
Speaker: And basically that leads back to the fact that I would be safe.
So in this scenario, for example, I decided to, and chose to allow myself to feel anger. And that is because I have tools and resources that allow me to be able to explore what that feels like in my body in a safe way, without me feeling like I'm outta control.
Now for most of my life, I have felt like anger is something to be avoided.
It is "unattractive"- Think about how vile that is as a concept that we must be attractive at all times- It was unbecoming, and because I wasn't familiar with it, and because it's something that I was told that I would be -rejected for. Anger is something which was unsafe.
Now I have tools to be able to help me manage and navigate and explore what anger might feel like to me.
When it comes up and it bubbles up in the kind of levels that it did the day, I use it as a learning ground. Like, I don't know this emotion very well with familiarity. What can I do to explore this in a way that feels like it is useful for me? Not reactive at somebody. Or reactive, trying to manipulate a situation so that I can feel something different.
What is it like if I just sit in anger? What is it like if I allow this feeling in my body, and don't try and escape from it? Or buffer away from it? Or numb it out with anything? What does anger feel like for me? How long does it hang around for when I allow myself to feel that fury and rage and fire rather than trying to get it out of my system? Or deny that it's there? Or judge myself for having it?
And there are a few practices I did that involve a lot of writing things. And there are some other somatic practices that I walk people through exercises that we have as lessons in www.selfcareschool.co.uk, , and some really good uses of different ways of noticing my own language towards myself. I used it as a real learning fertile ground, and I let myself just feel.
And it was astounding, how quickly things pass when I allow them to flow through my body. When I use the practices that allow me to be with an emotion rather than to reject it and therefore reject myself. I'm not pouring cement all over what is going wrong here By telling myself I shouldn't be feeding the way that I am about it. I look at what's going on for me and the responses that I'm having and go, okay, this is a human reaction to some, you know, some hurtful stuff going on here.
And the way that I'm able to do that mostly is by knowing that the actions that these other people have taken, My mind has processed as "these people have endangered me and therefore I'm not safe."
And your brain reads danger, rejection as the same as death. My brain thought I was gonna die. My whole nervous system was having the same responses as it would've done if I was running away from a wooly mammoth. I really absolutely wanted to get away from there, I wanted to buffer with everything that I could possibly think of, wanted to escape my emotions, and I wanted to tell the people how terrible it was for them to treat me like that. And also probably that I deserved it, and I'm terribly sorry.
All of these things clashed together and I watched them. I watched them, and I processed them, and I went, I've tried all of those things before and I've never really liked the results that they've got me. So what else can be true?
And by allowing that to happen, it allows me to stay with myself. It allows me to stay with my integrity. It allows me to stay in my body, and what that allows for me, is that it passes quicker and that I'm able to decide who I want to be in response to things and it gives me a level of agency and control about how I want to navigate this, from me being in center with myself, for me being the person that I want to be. Rather than trying to tell that person who they should be.
And my life experience is that the more that I stay with who I want to be and how I can respond to things, rather than telling people that they should be a different way, the more control I have over my life, the more agency that I have over my life. The more loving I can choose to be for the version of me that is both hurting, both experiencing the fullness of life and all of the things, and also the me in the future who just noticed that she set a boundary, noticed that she didn't tolerate that kind of behaviour anymore. Noticed that she makes different choices about the relationships that she has with people around her, and noticed that she can choose to have the reactions rather than waiting for someone else to make those decisions for her about the level of safety that she has around her.
So I hope that that gives you some idea of a process as to how you can work this stuff through and how it can pan out to a place of feeling like this experience has led me to knowing I have some information about some people that I can now choose whether I have them or don't have them around me, and that is done from a place of love and care for myself, rather than judgment and resentment and pain for who they are and what they've done.
It's not about them, it's about me, what I want in my life and how I want myself to be treated. And most importantly, how I want myself to be treated by me.
And how I want myself to be treated by me is someone who is loving and caring and resourced so that I have more to go around for more people. There are a hell of a lot of people that I love in my life, and I want me to be as resourced as possible so that I am able to connect with, hold space and be silly with them in all of the ways that I wish and know how to for as long as I'm on this planet.
And that's harder to do when I'm holding myself or pent up in rage, aggression, and denial of my actual emotions, hoping that other people are gonna change.
When I deny myself agency over my own feelings, the truth is that I'm not showing up for me in my own life. And I'm too old for that shit.
I hope that you are too, and if you'd like some resources to learn some of the things that help me navigate this big ole life of ours, I would love to support you. Maybe we could do a one-to-one coaching session. There is a link in the show notes here to book in a free call if that would be useful for you.
And also just to know that there is an amazing hub community inside www.SelfCareSchool.co.uk where we witness and learn so much from each other. And one of the most beautiful things about learning in community, and perhaps one of the most useful things about you listening to this podcast, is that hearing other people working through and going through their stuff makes you feel less alone, makes you feel less like you're the problem, or less like you're getting things wrong.
I think we're getting it wrong, but no one taught us this stuff, so perhaps we could learn it togethe.
If you'd like to be inside www.SelfCareSchool.co.uk, I'd love to see you there.
There's lots of things in the show notes and the links, and I'll speak to you next week in Love and Rage. I'll speak to you next week.
Navigating Anger, Love, and Boundaries: Tools for Emotional Resilience
Have you ever found yourself swept up in a storm of anger—not just the irritation because someone nicked your parking spot, but the deep, burning kind that comes when those you love disregard your safety and wellbeing? On episode 171 of “Spam Filter for Your Brain”, HeardinLondon takes us right into the eye of that storm, sharing her candid experience of hurt, expectation, and emotional self-management. It’s a masterclass in real-life emotional resilience, rich with lessons on how anger, self-worth, and healthy boundaries play out when life gets lifey.
When Life Throws Emotional Curveballs
In any guide to emotional wellbeing, the conversation usually starts with theory: meditate, journal, deep breath, repeat. But, as HeardinLondon pointed out, real life laughs in the face of theory. Over a difficult weekend, she was let down by people close to her—two unrelated incidents, both triggering waves of hurt, anger, and that questioning self-talk we all know too well: “How could they do this to me?”, “Do I deserve this?”
It’s tempting to fuel that internal narrative, placing blame or absorbing it all as proof of our own flaws. But what if, as HeardinLondon suggests, “the thing that is causing me suffering” isn’t what they did, but our own thoughts about what people should or shouldn’t do? Here’s where the podcast takes a sharp turn away from blame and shame towards agency, self-awareness, and practical emotional skills.
The Power of Processing Anger Safely
If you’re searching for effective anger management strategies or ways to process big emotions without feeling out of control, the episode offers real, actionable advice. For much of her life, HeardinLondon saw anger as “unattractive and unbecoming”—something to reject or avoid. But through self-care practices, somatic exercises, and intentional writing, she learned to treat anger as a learning ground.
What does “sitting with anger” look like, in practice?
Not reacting or manipulating: Instead of demanding others change,
HeardinLondon
recommends exploring what anger feels like in your body, without seeking escape or buffering it away with distraction.
Somatic practices: Whether it’s mindful breathing, journaling about your rage, or guided exercises like those offered in www.SelfCareSchool.co.uk, these tools can help you observe angry feelings safely.
Self-compassion: By allowing yourself to feel “the fury and rage and fire,” without judgement, you act as a witness to your own human experience, rather than pouring cement over the hurt and denying your emotional truth.
Many listeners looking for support with emotional regulation tools, or seeking out community resources for processing relational hurt, will recognise themselves in this story. The solution isn’t to change others, hoping for validation or safety, but to explore the rich landscape of your own reaction with curiosity and care.
Setting Boundaries and Choosing Agency
Where does self-respect fit into all this? For anyone searching how to set boundaries in relationships, HeardinLondon process is illuminating. After allowing her emotions space, she reached a place of clarity: these experiences gave her critical information about the people in her life. She could now “choose whether I have them or don’t have them around me”—not from resentment, but from self-love and conscious choice.
This is the heart of transformative boundary-setting: making decisions about our relationships from a place of agency, not helplessness. When you act in accordance with your own values and safety, and treat yourself with care, you break old patterns that bind your happiness to other people’s behaviour.
Key takeaways for building emotional resilience and healthy boundaries:
Know your standards for how you want to be treated (by others and yourself).
Recognise that behavioural change in others is outside your control—but your response, and what you welcome into your life, is yours to choose.
Allow yourself to feel big emotions rather than rejecting them or letting them dictate reactive choices.
Self-care isn’t selfish: the more resourced you are, the more love, space, and silliness you can offer to others.
Don’t wait for others to make you feel safe—choose agency over your own feelings and decisions.
Learning in Community
A recurring theme in “Spam Filter for Your Brain” is the power of learning and processing in community. If you’ve ever googled “how to process emotional hurt safely” or “support groups for anger management”, you’ll know that feeling less alone is half the battle. As HeardinLondon shares, witnessing others working through their stuff—whether in Self Care School or via podcast—can dismantle that illusion that you’re the only one struggling, or somehow uniquely broken.
The invitation at the close of the episode is rooted in compassion and practical help. There are resources for those wanting “one to one coaching”, a “hub and community inside Self care school”, and ongoing podcast episodes that offer connection, tools, and collective learning.
In Love and Rage: A New Model for Emotional Self-Care
Navigating anger, hurt, and boundary-setting isn’t about sanitising your life or striving for constant peace. Instead, it’s recognising that when things get tough, you have tools to process safely, maintain your agency, and move forward resourced—ready to show up for yourself and the people you love.
If you’re searching for emotional regulation strategies, support for boundary-setting, or effective anger management resources, HeardinLondon's message is clear: you aren’t alone. When you allow yourself to be “the person that I want to be” in response, not reaction, you set a new standard for self-love, connection, and courage.
Ready to learn more, connect with others, and get practical tools for your own journey? Spend some time inside www.SelfCareSchool.co.uk join a coaching session, or simply keep tuning into “Spam Filter for Your Brain”—and remember, as HeardinLondon says: “I’m too old for that shit. I hope that you are too.”
Quick Summary: 5 Key Takeaways
Self-awareness is the foundation: Processing difficult emotions begins with recognising your thoughts, feelings, and expectations
Agency over emotions: You have the power to choose your response, rather than waiting for others to change.
Anger can be a teacher: Allowing yourself to feel anger leads to meaningful self-discovery and boundary-setting.
Self-care tools support healing: Using writing, somatic practices, and community resources can help process intense feelings.
Loving yourself creates capacity: Treating yourself with care unlocks energy for deeper connections with others
How can I process anger in a healthy way?
Start by acknowledging and allowing the anger to exist without judgment. HiLy recommends sitting with the emotion, exploring what it feels like in your body, and using writing or somatic practices to move through it.
Expanded Tips:
Notice the physical sensations of anger.
Try journaling or expressive writing about your experience.
Use somatic practices (body-based exercises) to stay grounded.
Avoid reacting impulsively; give yourself time to process.
Key Quote:"What is it like if I just sit in anger? What does anger feel like for me?" — HeardinLondon
Why do I feel so hurt when people disregard my wellbeing?
It often stems from our expectations and personal standards. HeardinLondon explains that the pain comes from the gap between how we want to be treated and others’ actions, not just the actions themselves.
Expanded Tips:
Reflect on your core values and expectations.
Separate others’ behaviour from your worth.
Reframe your narrative from blame to self-compassion.
Key Quote:"My thoughts about what my expectations are of people... that's the thing that has hurt me." — HeardinLondon
How do I stop blaming myself when things go wrong?
Start by noticing when self-blame arises and challenge those automatic thoughts. Use HeardinLondon strategy: recognize patterns and remind yourself that your worth is not defined by others’ actions.
Expanded Tips:
Identify self-blaming thoughts as they occur.
Practice self-acceptance, acknowledging your humanity.
Use affirmations to reinforce self-worth.
Key Quote:"I must be so awful. This keeps showing up in my life." — HiLy, highlighting an old pattern.
What should I do if I want people to treat me differently?
Rather than hoping others will change, focus on your own boundaries and choices. According to HeardinLondon, building agency means deciding how you’ll respond and who you allow into your life.
Expanded Tips:
Set clear boundaries with others.
Choose relationships based on respect for your wellbeing.
Prioritise your own safety and preferences.
Key Quote:"I can choose whether I have them or don't have them around me." — HeardinLondon
How can I avoid repeating old emotional patterns?
Reflect on past responses and experiment with new ways of processing emotions. HiLy stresses using self-awareness and intentional exploration to break cycles.
Expanded Tips:
Analyze recurring behaviors or thoughts.
Introduce new coping techniques, like writing or somatics.
Evaluate outcomes and adapt your approach.
Key Quote:"I've tried all of those things before and I've never really liked the results that they've got me." — HeardinLondon
When does anger become unhealthy?
Anger becomes unhealthy when it’s denied, suppressed, or used reactively against others or yourself. HeardinLondon recommends feeling anger but not letting it control your actions or self-perception.
Expanded Tips:
Name and accept the emotion.
Avoid venting or retaliating while angry.
Review the impact on relationships and wellbeing.
Key Quote:"It's harder to do when I'm holding myself all pent up in rage, aggression..." — HeardinLondon
What does ‘agency over emotions’ look like in real life?
Having agency means responding intentionally, not reactively. It involves self-reflection, boundary-setting, and choosing connection from a place of self-care (HeardinLondon).
Expanded Tips:
Pause before responding emotionally.
Reflect: “Who do I want to be in this situation?”
Make choices that honour your values.
Key Quote:"It gives me a level of agency and control about how I want to navigate this." — HeardinLondon
How does my nervous system react to being hurt or rejected?
Your brain may interpret rejection or emotional danger as a physical threat, activating survival responses. HeardinLondon notes these reactions mirror running from physical danger.
Expanded Tips:
Notice fight, flight, or freeze responses.
Use breathwork or grounding to calm your system.
Remind yourself you are safe.
Key Quote:"My whole nervous system was having the same responses as it would have done if I was running away from a woolly mammoth." — HeardinLondon
Why is allowing myself to feel emotions better than avoiding them?
Processed emotions tend to pass more quickly and allow growth. Denying feelings often prolongs suffering and hinders self-care, as HeardinLondon demonstrates.
Expanded Tips:
Practice emotional acceptance.
Identify healthy outlets for emotions.
Seek support or resources as needed.
Key Quote:"It was astounding how quickly things pass when I allow them to flow through my body." — HeardinLondon
How can self-care tools help me handle big emotions?
Self-care tools like writing, somatic exercises, and supportive communities aid emotional processing. HeardinLondon finds these approaches increase resilience and resourcefulness.
Expanded Tips:
Try structured journaling about your feelings.
Learn basic somatic techniques (e.g., body scanning).
Join a supportive group or community.
Key Quote:"I used it as a real learning fertile ground. And I let myself just feel." — HeardinLondon
What is Self Care School and how can it support me?
www.SelfCareSchool.co,uk is a community with resources, lessons, and support for emotional wellbeing led by HeardinLondon. It offers coaching, peer learning, and shared healing experiences.
Expanded Tips:
Explore the community hub for resources.
Consider a 1:1 coaching session for tailored support.
Connect with others for shared growth.
Key Quote:"There is an amazing hub and community inside Self care school where we witness and learn so much from each other." — HeardinLondon
How do I know when to set boundaries after being hurt?
After processing your emotions, evaluate your relationships from a place of self-love and agency. HeardinLondon recommends making choices based on what serves your wellbeing.
Expanded Tips:
Assess whether the relationship aligns with your values.
Communicate boundaries clearly and kindly.
Choose what is best for your future self.
Key Quote:"I want myself to be treated by me is someone who is loving and caring and resourced..." — HeardinLondon
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