Do You Always Put Yourself Last? Breaking the Habit of Self-Sacrifice
- HeardinLondon
- Oct 9
- 3 min read
Spam Filter For Your Brain - Episode 151
It occurred to me that all this time I’ve been recording the podcast and then trying to find the time to make audiograms for social media. Then I realised I could just record little videos - that’s what I do for everything else.
In a perfect example of our brains finding the easiest possible path, I kept doing things the way I’ve always done them. But technology changes, and so do we. So from now on, when I have space and capacity, the podcast will also go out as little videos on YouTube, as well as being available wherever you normally listen.
This week’s episode explores the habit of putting ourselves last.
Where are we deprioritising our own needs in the hope that someone else will notice what we’re doing and give us the recognition we’re not giving ourselves?
Many of us grew up believing that putting ourselves last - waiting to eat, letting others speak first, giving up our seat, constantly deferring - was what made us “good people.” That’s what made us liked, cherished, safe.
Rather than judging it as right or wrong, I invite you to get curious: when you put yourself last, whose voice told you that was the right thing to do? Where did you learn it? And do you still want to keep doing it?
Because the hidden cost of chronic self-sacrifice is resentment, exhaustion, and the hollow question: when is it my turn?
Putting others first all the time leaves us depleted, disrespected, and disconnected from ourselves. And if kindness, compassion, and courage matter to you, they can’t be sustainable if you are not included in your own circle of care.
Even if you don’t want to be front and centre - first in the buffet queue, so to speak - is this something you want to pass down? Do you want your daughters, nieces, sisters, or friends to always come last? If not, then change must start with all of us, including you.
This week, I invite you to practice taking up space in small ways. What would it look like not to always put yourself at the back of the queue? What tiny shifts could you experiment with?
Notice what comes up in your body. Notice which areas of your life feel easier to change, and where resistance appears.
And remember, you’re not alone in this. I’m here for all the fears and questions that surface.
Why Do We Always Put Ourselves Last?
If you’ve ever found yourself at the back of the queue - waiting until everyone else is served, holding back your opinion until others have spoken, or quietly carrying the invisible load while hoping someone notices - you’re not alone.
So many of us have been taught that self-sacrifice is what makes us “good people.” Putting ourselves last is praised as generous, caring, safe. But over time, it drains us.
Behind the habit of putting others first lies a quiet hope: that someone will see all we’re doing and reward us with the recognition and care we’re not giving ourselves.
The Hidden Cost of Self-Sacrifice
The problem? That recognition rarely comes. Instead, chronic self-sacrifice leaves us:
Exhausted and depleted
Silently resentful (“When is it my turn?”)
Disconnected from our own needs and identity
And when you’re running on empty, even the qualities you care about most - kindness, compassion, courage - start to lose their spark.
Where Did You Learn to Put Yourself Last?
Here’s the invitation: instead of labelling this as right or wrong, get curious.
Whose voice taught you to always put yourself second?
Where did you learn that being last equals being “good”?
And most importantly: do you still want that pattern shaping your life?
Because when we accept being last, we also send the message that it’s okay for others to treat us that way.
Breaking the Habit: Small Steps to Prioritise Yourself
You don’t have to flip your life upside down. Start small.
Notice one area where you could take up a little more space
Practice saying yes to yourself before automatically saying yes to others
Experiment with being first in line, speaking earlier in a meeting, or simply voicing your needs without apology
See how it feels in your body. Notice what resistance arises. And remind yourself - change doesn’t have to happen everywhere at once.
Why It Matters
If you wouldn’t want your daughters, nieces, sisters, or friends to always be last, then it can’t be the legacy you leave for yourself either. Collective change only works when it includes all of us.
Prioritising yourself isn’t selfish. It’s a way of respecting your humanity, modelling healthier patterns, and ensuring that compassion and care extend to you as much as they extend to others.
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