Stop Shoulding All Over Yourself
- HeardinLondon
- 2 days ago
- 7 min read
Spam Filter For Your Brain - Episode 158
There's a little secret hiding in plain sight that tells you where you're filling yourself with obligation rather than checking in with what you want. It's something that I know that you already know. This week, I'd just like to draw a little highlighter circle around it so that you can spot where you're doing it to yourself.
And that is the use of the word should. Should, is never a truth. Should is never a fact. Should is never. A circumstance should is always showing you where you have stories that you're telling yourself about what you should be doing and what you feel obliged to do.
This week I would like to talk to you about just checking in with yourself where you have choices.
And the reality is that you nearly always have choices. You just might not have noticed them yet and they might be choices that you don't like the consequences of. And quite often, You will notice once you've started to pay attention to this, that if you don't like the consequences of the choices that are before you, you tell yourself that you don't have a choice. But when we tell ourselves we don't have choices, we always respond like caged animals. So noticing where we have choices is going to really aid us in being able to make the kind of decisions that we want to, for the things that we want in our life, rather than putting up obstacles and barriers against ourselves, telling ourselves that it shouldn't have to be this way, we shouldn't have to do this thing.
When we tell ourselves that there are no other options, our bodies feel like they're in danger and they feel like they need to fight to get out.
And one of the ways that I invite you to do that is to just look at some of the ways that you have internalised obligation.
Where have you decided that that person can't be left on their own? Where have you internalised that you must return that phone call? Where have you absorbed the productivity culture that this has to be done on this particular time scale.
We do live in a culture that has so many of these messages embedded within them, and we live in structures that ensure that lots of them have to be adhered to all there be consequences.
And this is the pause place that I would just like to speak to you today. Just noticing that there is a choice there, is going to calm down and flatten that should. a little bit to be like, "oh, okay. There are some other choices that I could make here, but I don't want to."
Rather than "I have to", rather than "I'm trapped". Rather than, "there's no other options".
that word should, is a real clue that what we are doing or what we're saying, we think is an obligation.
and it can be really worth recognising and pausing and trying to take a moment to notice where you've internalised voices and messages that you didn't consent to, or ones that you have consented to in the past and you no longer believe in.
And there's a few very simple questions that you can use to help with this.
when you notice yourself saying, should question, who taught me that? Do I like it? What are the consequences of me not doing this thing? Do I like those? Do I choose this? And the one that I find really useful if you replace should with want, what comes up for you? How different does the phrase look? How different does your day look? How different does your timetable look?
Playing around with these things can give you some real clues and insights as to what's going on in your brain and the stories that you're telling yourself about the thing that you've just told yourself is an obligation.
Investigating the word should is a practice in reclaiming permission, and choice.
It's about learning to check in with yourself. It is about reminding your body that you are someone who pays attentions to the signals that it gives you.
These are all key ways of building trust with yourself so it doesn't feel like you're in a constant fight.
I invite you this week, every time you say the word should to just ask yourself, do I want this? It's a very simple disruptor, just to be able to take a little pause moment and maybe it is something that you want to do, but should is a real key to just stop, pause, like a little, like a little Buddhist bell, just remind yourself to have a moment of check in and check that you're doing things that align with your values, who you want to be and what you want to be putting out there in the world.
The lessons I teach inside SelfCareSchool including this one, are not about solving things or quick fixes in an instant that are going to disappear as quickly as they've arrived. It's about taking those moments to stop and notice, so that you can make active, conscious choices about what you do and don't want in your life.
And , I find is the most reliable way to get embedded, new practices and rewire your brain to be able to create new thought channels and new thought pathways towards more of the things that you want. So the kind of thought patterns like. "I want to do this" or "I'm choosing to do this" rather than I have to do this, are going to be more accessible to you in your daily life.
And the more times we feel like we have a choice, and the more times we feel like we are choosing the thing that we are doing, the more ease there is in our days. And I wish for you to have more ease in your days.
So if you would like more of that, please do come and find us at www.SelfCareSchool.co.uk
I would love to see you inside.
I hope that's been useful , and I will see you next week.
If you’ve ever caught yourself thinking “I should do this” or “I should have done that”, you’re certainly not alone. In this week’s episode of Spam Filter for Your Brain, HeardinLondon's delves into the subtle yet powerful secret hiding in plain sight: the use of the word “should”. This word signals where we’re weighing ourselves down with obligation instead of listening to our own wants and making conscious choices.
Let’s sit together and draw a little highlighter circle around this familiar habit. After all, noticing where “should” pops up in your inner dialogue is the first step to unburdening yourself from stories that no longer serve you.
Why “Should” Is Never the Truth
“Should” isn’t a fact. It’s not a circumstance. It’s never the absolute truth. As HeardinLondon's reminds us, “should” is the voice of internalised stories - that persistent nag whispering about what’s supposedly required of us. These stories come from so many places: the productivity culture telling you that a task must be completed on a certain timescale, or perhaps the sense that you must return every phone call or can’t leave someone on their own.
These obligations become embedded, so much so you might not even notice them. But here’s the liberating truth: you almost always have choices. Sometimes the choices available come with consequences you’d rather not face, and often, if you dislike the consequences, your mind tries to convince you that you don’t have a choice at all. This feeling of being caged - of fighting against invisible walls of “should” - is familiar to many of us.
How to Spot and Challenge Your “Shoulds”
The beauty of HeardinLondon's advice is in its gentle simplicity. When you catch yourself using “should”, try asking:
Who taught me that?
Do I like it?
What are the real consequences of not doing this?
Do I choose this?
Most transformative of all, try replacing “should” with “want”. For example, instead of “I should answer that email”, ask yourself, “Do I want to answer that email?” Notice how your energy shifts.
This simple practice disrupts the spiral of obligation, offering a pause - a sort of Buddhist bell—reminding you to check in: are you acting out of true desire, or from a sense of duty inherited from somewhere else? By investigating the roots of your “should”, you reclaim permission and reinforce your power to choose.
Internalised Obligation: Where Does It Come From?
Often, we internalise obligation from cultural messages and unwritten rules. Maybe you’ve absorbed ideas that you must work constantly to be good enough, or that caring for others always comes before your own wellbeing. These stories can feel as immovable as bricks; yet, as HeardinLondon's emphasises, just noticing those choices creates space.
When we tell ourselves there are no options, our nervous system responds as though we’re in danger, primed to fight or flee. By intentionally noticing and naming our choices—even when the consequences aren’t pleasant - we calm that response and begin to build trust with ourselves.
The Power of Conscious Choice
Self-care isn’t just about bubble baths and comfort food. It’s about learning to spot where your brain is spinning stories of obligation, pausing, and choosing deliberately. HeardinLondon's Self Care School focuses on embedding new habits: taking those “shoulds” and transforming them into “wants” and “choices”. The result is a brain that’s rewired for ease and connection.
This reframing isn’t a quick fix—no hack can cut through layers of internalised stories overnight. It’s about slowing down, noticing, and reauthoring your internal dialogue in a way that aligns with your real values and desires. The more you practise, the more accessible this sense of ease becomes in your everyday life.
From “I Should” to “I Choose”—Finding Ease in Your Day
Imagine waking up and moving through your daily timetable not out of obligation, but with a sense of ease and agency. “I want to do this.” “I’m choosing to do this.” When we operate from a place of choice, the barriers fall away, and life begins to flow with greater simplicity.
If this resonates, consider joining Self Care School to further your journey towards empowered, conscious living. You deserve more ease in your days, and it all begins with noticing where the “shoulds” lurk in your thinking.
Ready to Find Out Where “Should” Hides in Your Life?
If this episode has sparked something inside you, take up HeardinLondon's invitation: every time you hear yourself say or think “should”, pause. Ask yourself - do I want this? Let that moment of reflection be your guide to more authenticity, more choice, and yes - more ease.
For more tools, insights, and practical exercises on conscious choice, self-care, and escaping the traps of obligation, keep listening to Spam Filter for Your Brain and come explore www.SelfCareSchool.co.uk
Your journey to a life of greater ease and less “should” starts now.
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