Why “Just Be Kind to Yourself!” means nothing

Spam Filter For Your Brain - Episode 142

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One of those sound bites that I think we all hear quite often is "just be kind to yourself. Just be kind to yourself. Everything will be better if you were kind to yourself". And why I think that means absolutely nothing is because most of us are never taught how.

What does being kind to yourself even tell if you've never been kind to yourself before? It can be absolutely meaningless if we don't have the tools to do this thing. And then we can quite easily use it as another tool to beat ourselves up, because we're being told that this would be the one solution, and surely it should be fundamental. We know how to be kind, right? But we don't seem to be able to apply this stuff to ourselves.

It's one of those phrases that I think people use to try and make us feel better, but actually can quite often make us feel a lot worse. Because when we have a habit of trying to tell ourselves that we should be being kind to ourselves, whilst also receiving the socialised messaging that we should definitely put ourselves last or we'll be rejected, or we're unkind, selfish people, the idea of just being kind to ourselves is so alien that it's not in the wheelhouse of most of us. It just isn't something that we know how to do.

And because it is something that we don't know how to do, it's something that we end up criticising ourselves for more. It doesn't feel safe.

When people tell me to "just be kind to myself", I'm like, "cool, dude. Well, if I knew how to do that, I'd be doing it already". Like, this is not a helpful phrase to be flinging around. I just don't find it a useful thing to be for people to say it's not a practical kind solution. What I often feel is that it's like, "Here, let me throw a trite sound bite at you." And then I can stop feeling uncomfortable that you feel uncomfortable.

And I'm here to tell you that self-kindness is not something that most of us are taught, but it is a skill that we can build like any other muscle. One way to achieve this is to reflect on what kindness means to you. And if you don't, if you're not able to sort of step into the zone of like, what does kindness mean? What matters to you? What are your values? How would you treat a friend? These kinds of things are questions that we can come home to in terms of how we would like to speak to somebody that we care about, or frankly, quite often, how we'd like anybody else to be treated. How do you want the most vulnerable people in your community, those who are struggling and suffering, to be treated? And when you have an idea, and probably quite a clear picture of what that kind of behaviour looks like, see where there are any of the crossovers of ways that you could begin to treat yourself with a bit more of that grace and respect that you would allow for somebody else.

Because when we can work out what kindness actually feels like, what it looks like when we impart it on others, we can start to notice those areas in our lives that feel a bit like a deficit because we're not giving it to ourselves. And that's where we can learn to be kind to ourselves.

However, it's a practice, something you learn, and the more you repeat it, the easier it becomes to access. So, although I know it is often well-intentioned when other people suggest this to you, my suggestion is that being kind to yourself is something you might want to start rather than something you should already be doing. And it's something that you might want to try and make part of a daily, weekly, or monthly practice, and something you can rehearse a little bit, because each time you do it, it will become a little bit more familiar and a little bit more like you.

I wish you more kindness in your days, and I hope that this small practice of questioning what kindness is and how you can apply it to yourself may be a little inroad into accessing more of it in your life. I'm wishing you kindness this week. I'll speak to you next week.

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