But I don't want to go to the party
- HeardinLondon
- 4 days ago
- 7 min read
Spam Filter For Your Brain - Episode 161
I wonder how many times you do something because you think you should rather than because you actually want to. This is something that I find especially comes up around family, but also comes up around friends and sometimes around work as well. And this week I just want to speak a little bit about how you might be able to change that and some of the ways that you might want to look at reframing things in your head so that you can just end up doing more things that you want to and that you choose to, rather than getting caught in that obligation trap burnout cycle.
Quite often one of the reasons why we end up doing absolutely everything is 'cause we want everything to be all right. We want everyone to feel fine and we don't want to cause any problems.
The problem with using that as your logic is that you've completely forgotten that you are also a person and it's not fine for you, and you're not checking in with yourself or including your needs into the picture.
When we look at trying to create peace for everybody, if we are not including ourselves in that picture, it's not everybody.
So a really simple way to get straight to the heart of the matter on this. Is just noticing where you say, " I have to", "I must", "I should" notice these obligation languages and how they sit in your body.
And just try as a little reframe for yourself. Switching out that word for choose.
"I choose to". I choose to do this.
And notice where it could be coming up for you that you might be thinking, "I don't want to actually, but I don't want to feel pressured to". And quite often we can think that that pressure comes externally from other people and the way that they speak to us. But actually more often than not, a lot of that pressure comes from ourselves:
How we would speak to ourselves if we didn't do that thing. The kind of things that we would say to ourselves if we tell ourselves we're not reliable, or we've made somebody else feel bad, or we should have done something that someone else wanted us to.
Just check in with yourself about this kind of language and notice, "Oh, actually, that pressure that I'm trying to avoid is actually coming internally."
And wild notion, and this is something we go into a lot in www.selfcareschool.co.uk, quite often when you're worried about what someone else might be pressuring you to do, so if they, you say that someone else is gonna make you feel bad if you don't go to that party, for example, that only resonates with you. It only hits hard if that's something that you are already saying to yourself.
So if you've been going, "I really should do it", and then someone comes else, comes along and goes, "you really should do it". That's probably gonna be a bit like pressing on a bruise. But if it's something that you don't agree with, then you probably wouldn't feel that pressure at all.
Can you think of something that you absolutely wouldn't want to go to?
Maybe think of a political party that you don't align with whatsoever. Someone says you should go to their annual party conference. You probably don't feel any guilt about that at all, so we know that it's not the thing that's causing the feeling. It's your thought about it.
And if you are berating yourself for not being reliable, or not being a good friend, or not being a good sibling, or not being a good daughter, Then all of those things that you are telling yourself, if someone else accuses you of it as well, it's really gonna feel a bit tender.
So the way that we can get around this is actually learn how to speak more kindly to ourselves, learn how to check in with ourselves and just learn a bit more about what we want to do so that we are not landing ourselves in burnout, trying to meet everybody else's imagined perceptions as to how we should be and what we should be spending our time doing.
I'm sure everybody has a thousand people in their lives who have a perfect example of what you should be doing with your time and days and hours, and not all of those are gonna align with you.
If you're constantly going round trying to navigate everybody else's needs. You're just gonna end up exhausted and no one's gonna be happy, and you are not gonna be happy.
So this week's little hack into over-obligation saying yes to too many things going places that you don't wanna do is, are you going because you want to, or are you going because you want to try and manage other people's emotions.
Because honey, you don't have the power to do that.
We'd be best spending our time trying to work out how to manage our own emotions so that we are not constantly running around trying to micromanage everyone else to avoid our own feelings.
When we learn how to speak to ourselves in a more kind and compassionate way and learn how to process emotions for ourselves, we don't have to spend all of our time trying to make sure that everybody else is okay, so they won't notice what a terrible, terrible person we are.
That is one of the key cruxes that I teach inside www.selfcareschool.co.uk. There's loads of resources in the show notes here, and if that's something that you would like to work on for the new year, I absolutely would love to help you do that.
So click on some of the show notes.
There's a link there to my weekly newsletter, which is Self-Care Sundays, which I kind of think of, uh, like a little love letter to your brain and includes lots of courses and resources and tips and tricks. , And that goes out every week is free , and you can sign up for it in the, show notes here, or you can sign up to it under the video. So I hope that's been useful for you this week, and please do take very good care of yourselves. I'll speak to you next week.
Quick Summary: 5 Key Takeaways
Most people do things out of obligation rather than genuine desire; notice your "shoulds."
The pressure to please others often comes from internal self-talk, not just external expectations.
Reframing "I have to" as "I choose to" helps shift perspective and empower your decisions.
Learning to check in with your own needs is vital for avoiding burnout and nurturing wellbeing.
Managing your own emotions is more effective than trying to keep everyone else happy.
How do I know if I’m doing something just because I “should”?
Sometimes, we act from a sense of duty rather than genuine desire. Tune into the language you use—do you say, “I have to,” “I must,” or “I should”? These words often signal obligation rather than choice.
“Just try as a little reframe for yourself switching out that word for choose, I choose to, I choose to do this.” — HeardinLondon
Expanded: Paying attention to your inner dialogue helps you spot obligation-driven actions. If you feel tense or resentful when thinking about a plan, pause and ask: “Is this what I really want, or am I just trying to avoid conflict or disappointment?”
What causes the pressure to attend events or say yes?
Pressure often originates internally—from self-judgment or fear of disappointing others. External invitations only feel potent if they echo something already present within you.
“That pressure that I’m kind of trying to avoid is actually coming internally and wild notion.” — HeardinLondon
Expanded: The stories you tell yourself (“I’ll let them down” or “I’m not a good friend”) fuel guilt and pressure. Reflect on whether you’d feel guilty if it were something you genuinely didn’t care about (like a political event you don’t align with).
How can I reframe my thinking about obligations?
Swap “I have to” for “I choose to.” This conscious change clarifies whether you’re acting from genuine desire or simply trying to please.
“On this, it’s just noticing where you say I have to, I must, I should…switching out that word for choose.” — HeardinLondon
Expanded:Notice how this simple language shift feels in your body. If choosing feels wrong, dig deeper to identify your true motivations.
What should I do if I feel guilty about opting out?
Recognize guilt as a sign that you’re holding yourself to others’ expectations. Remind yourself that aligning with your own needs strengthens emotional health.
Notice the guilt without judgment.
Challenge the “should” behind it.
Practice self-kindness.
Check if the guilt is rational or a habit.
How do I stop trying to make everyone else happy?
Focus on managing your own emotions, not everyone else’s. You’re not responsible for others’ feelings.
“Are you going because you want to or are you going because you want to try and manage other people’s emotions?…You don’t have the power to do that.” — HeardinLondon
Expanded: When you center your self-care and emotional resilience, you reduce the need to please. Ask yourself, “Is this choice truly supporting me?”
What if others pressure me to attend when I don’t want to?
Pressure only hits hard if you’re already vulnerable to it. If you don’t agree with the expectation, it won’t resonate emotionally.
“If it’s something that you don’t agree with, then you probably wouldn’t feel that pressure at all.” — HeardinLondon
Expanded:Stay connected to your values and desires. Let others’ opinions pass by when they don’t align with your truth.
Why is it important to include my own needs in decisions?
Ignoring your needs leads to burnout and resentment. Including yourself creates a more genuine sense of peace and satisfaction.
“You’ve completely forgotten that you’re also a person and it’s not fine for you and you’re not checking in with yourself.” — HeardinLondon
Expanded: Peace isn’t possible if you continuously neglect yourself in favor of others. Your wellbeing matters too.
How can I check in with myself before saying yes?
Pause and ask: “Do I actually want this, or am I trying to avoid discomfort?” Notice physical sensations (tension, dread, excitement) that can provide clues.
Actionable Steps:
Pause when asked to commit.
Ask yourself honestly: “Do I want this?”
Notice your initial body response.
Choose based on your authentic answer.
What are practical self-care strategies for avoiding burnout?
Say “yes” only when you genuinely mean it.
Use “I choose to…” in your thinking.
Prioritise your feelings and needs.
Set clear boundaries.
Practice self-compassion.
How does being kinder to myself help with obligations?
Self-kindness reduces self-criticism, making it easier to make choices aligned with your true desires rather than chronic “shoulds.”
“Learn how to speak more kindly to ourselves, learn how to check in with ourselves.” — HeardinLondon
Expanded:When you’re gentle with yourself, external pressure loses its grip—leading to empowered, healthy decisions.
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