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@HEARDinLONDON #blog

Conflict Resolution and Radical Curiosity

Spam Filter For Your Brain - Episode 101


I think all of us have probably been in this situation where we can look at the behaviour of someone else and think, wow, I wish they hadn't done that.


And sometimes that person can be. That's right, we can look at our own responses to things and go, I wish I'd behaved in a different way.


And most of us can probably think of some situation that feels a bit spiky. Or you can think of something which you'd consider to be an out-and-out conflict. Something that you really don't want to be happening anymore. Somewhere where you're trapped, thinking about the story of what has happened to you and how someone else has behaved.


When I think about conflict resolution, when I think about how I interact with other people, more often than not, when I find myself running over a story in my head about who said what or who did what, or how things have ended up here, it's nearly always the same scenario running through my head that I have got lost in their story, I have got lost in what I think they should have done differently, they should have said differently, how I think they should have behaved.


And I know that when I'm lost in trying to magically behave, make someone else behave in a way that they haven't, what I'm doing is taking myself out of my own power, out of my own agency, and trying to control something that I've got no control over. It actually becomes really about what has been said or done, and becomes more about how I want things to be different.


When I realise that I have more control over what I think, how I respond to things, it actually gives me just 2% calm and ability to step out of the situation from being hot, fiery and hurt quite often, and gives me a space to be able to think about "where am I in this story?" Because most often, when things go wrong, when things become difficult with another person, I lose my sense of self.


When I get lost in other people's stories, I try to control how other people interact with me rather than how I respond to them. As soon as I can get back into that place of working out how I respond to them, I can feel like I have some direction over my own life, my own responses, and my own story.


And the way that I try and do that is with a sense of radical curiosity. It's not; this shouldn't have happened; it's what else could be going on here. And sometimes, that does extend to the other person. What else could be going on for them? Could I have read this in the wrong way? Could I be misinterpreting this? Could I look at things from where they're standing and see this in a light that isn't the negative spin on it that I have placed on it? And also, who do I choose to be here? Not what have they done? Or they shouldn't have said that, or that thing wasn't okay, but who do I choose to be? Now that it has happened, that thing was said, and that thing was done, who do I choose to be for myself here? And with those two questions, what else could be possible? And who do I choose to be? Suddenly I'm able to reel it back in to where I want to stand as I'm walking through the plot line that we're all writing for ourselves, and I'm able to start creating a story that is more in alignment with the things that I want in life. This sense of radical curiosity really stopping, pausing and looking around at what else could be true has been revelationary for me.


I hope it's useful for you, too. I'll speak to you next week.of love and care too. I look forward to speaking to you next week.

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