It's You, Not Me
- HeardinLondon
- 3 hours ago
- 4 min read
Spam Filter For Your Brain - Episode 187
This week, I'd like to remind you of something that I know you know, and that is that other people's reactions are all about them and not about you.
And even though we all know this stuff, it's something that it can be so tricky to remember in the moment, especially if someone's doing something that reminds us of , a story that we have maybe been telling ourselves that feels a little bit uncomfortable.
This week I wanted to provide you with a really useful tool when this stuff comes up, when we think that someone else has backed up all of these dreadful stories that we might be telling ourselves, probably along the lines of we're not good enough, someone doesn't like us, we're feeling a bit rejected, maybe it is that they think that we're not worth something.
On coaching calls, I hear people talking about believing that other people's actions validate people's thought that "I am not worthy of their time, that's why they're behaving like this to me": because they don't think that I'm worth it. They don't think that I'm worth being kind to. They don't think I'm worth being thought of.
And I want to remind you that other people's reactions are down to their life experiences, their thoughts, their genetics, their socioeconomic status in that moment, whether they're hungry, their environment, a whole load of different things, as are our own thoughts
Our feelings and our responses to things come from our own life experience, and I know that we know this.
I know that you know this. But rather than just going, "I should know better," and, "I still feel like shit about this. This still really hurts me when that person has done that thing. I'm still feeling really rejected or really jaded by this circumstance," what I prefer to do, when I can remember, is to choose this moment to go, "Oh, ow, that hurts. What can I use this as a mirror for?" Why is it causing me suffering? What is it about this circumstance which is reminding me of a story that I'm telling myself? What is that story that I'm telling myself that they have proved to be true?
Is it that they are telling me that I'm not worthy?
Is it that I think that they're telling me that I am not worth people's time?
Is it that they're telling me that I am not worth being chosen?
Is it that I think that they're telling me that they don't think that I'm worth respecting?
What is it about what is going on for them that I'm superimposing this story which is super familiar in my brain that I think that they are giving me the ultimate proof for?
Because if I can identify that, then from that moment I can go, "Okay, this is a little bruise within me that I really could probably do with checking myself on and making sure that I am not causing myself more suffering by repeating this story. This is an area that I probably should pay attention to", because if it's showing up here, it's gonna be showing up not only in other relationships in my life, but also lots of different areas of my life, and especially with my relationship with myself."
So once I've identified what that core thought is that I think that they've proved to be true, then I can know from there that this is something that I can put a little pin in and start doing some thought work on, start doing some thought downloads on, start looking at where else is this showing up in my life. Where have I been shrinking myself, not showing up as my full self because I believe this thought to be true? Where is this preventing me from living the kind of life that I want to be living and being the kind of person, kind of friend, kind of family member that I want to be?
Once we identify these thoughts for ourselves, not adding judgment of good, bad, right, wrong, we can just go, " Is this something that I want to keep? Is it something that I'm enjoying? Do I want to transform it?"
Transforming the stuff is what we do in www.SelfCareSchool.co.uk. It's what I teach people how to do to move from these feelings that feel really sticky and stuck and like they're constraining us into being able to evolve and develop and grow more in the direction to be more of the kind of person that you like, trust, value, and want to be in your world.
That's the kind of stuff that we do over there. If  www.SelfCareSchool.co.uk isn't something that you feel particularly ready or drawn to right this moment, my next step would be to just identify these thoughts, write them down, just notice them, and notice if they are things that you wanna keep and if you don't.
And from there, you can work out what the next steps are. There's lots of things in the show notes here. But just to try and notice is that initial first step. Where am I criticising myself? Where am I telling myself that I'm not good enough? Where am I using other people to back up my faults and my stories, and use other people as sticks to beat myself up with?
Because that kind of behaviour is not the kind of thing that, we'd wish on anyone. And I don't believe that we can build a better world if we are expending so much energy being unkind to ourselves. It's taking these individual thoughts that might feel like they're quite small and insignificant, but actually build into a life which is a lot more small and a lot less loving than you could be.
And I don't think that that is probably the aim of anyone who would be listening to my podcast. You probably wanna be building a world that is full of more kindness, and more love, and more joy for yourself, and the folk who are in your life. So if that is what you want, I would love to support you in that.
And however that journey takes you, I'm grateful that you're here. Thank you for listening, and I'll speak to you next week
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