Reclaiming Yourself in Every Relationship
- HeardinLondon
- 5 hours ago
- 9 min read
Spam Filter For Your Brain - Episode 156
So it's something I've been thinking about quite a lot in regards to relationships and how we interact with other people, but primarily how we act with ourselves when we're in a relationship.
And by relationship. It could be a friendship, it could be a work relationship. Every interaction that you have with another human being is relational and everything. Every interaction that you have with another thing is relational.
But, I think we can hear words of advice or thoughts about relationships and think, oh, it doesn't apply to me because my relationship is not like that. We've all got friends, we've all got family connections; this is for anyone who has other human beings alive on the planet with them at this time.
And the thing that I have been thinking about quite a lot lately is how much we can get lost in the idea of what the other person should be doing, and our big old rule book for how other people should be behaving and how that can sideline us from our own desires and our own wants, and the things that we strive for and the things that are important to us in our lives.
Because what I have noticed is very often we can get lost in this idea of what someone else is doing or what they're not doing, and how that impacts us and blame them for the way that we are feeling. And I find that a lot of us, myself included, get lost in, is the sense of who we want to be in this relationship and how we want to respond.
Suddenly, the way that we are, the way that we feel, the things that we do, are dictated by someone else's actions. And that's so disempowering. It's such a deep-seated level of allowing someone else to control your behaviour.
And I wonder where there might be space for us to each individually, especially you, especially me, to take that back, to be able to say, it's not about what someone else does, it's about who I want to be here. It's about how I want to respond in this situation.
Owning our side of the dynamic, no matter what the other person does, no matter what the other person says, ultimately creates and curates. A relationship with ourselves, and that's the longest relationship that we're ever gonna have in our lives.
So rather than getting all mixed up in what someone else should or shouldn't have done, said they were gonna do, didn't act upon, which can be all of these noisy, noisy details so we can get. Really distracted by sometimes coming back to this narrative of who do I want to be here? How do I want to curate more of my life, my values, my ethics into what I'm doing to be more fully myself in this relationship, and therefore in my relationship with myself?
Clarifying our own values and our own interactions, rather than trying to control the outcomes or trying to control other people's behaviours, is always gonna bring you closer to yourself. It's always gonna make you feel more like you've come home.
Because the more that we stray into other people's territory and other people's turf and try to get them doing the things that we think are going to bring us happiness, that's when we get all lost and out of balance and out of ourselves.
The more that we keep coming back to who do I want to be here, the more that it's gonna feel like coming home.
And the more that we do that, the more that we are able to respond from a place of who we want to be, rather than who we think we should be. And when we are being more of who we want to be and when we are more rooted in the things that are important to us, the value systems and the ethics and the kind of emotions and feelings that we want to guide our lives, the less we get distracted and swayed off our own paths by what someone else is or isn't doing.
So this week's brief core lesson to cut through it all is it's never about what the other person's doing. It's always about how you want to respond to yourself in that relationship. What kind of relationship do you wanna keep building with you? ' cause that is the relationship of a lifetime.
I'll speak to you next week.
How to Redefine Your Relationships: Transforming Connection with Spam Filter for Your Brain
In a world brimming with advice about relationships—be it friendship, family, or work—the real challenge is applying those words of wisdom to our messy, everyday lives. We stumble through connections, sometimes lost in the noise of what other people should be doing, forgetting to ask a simple but powerful question: Who do I want to be in this relationship?
That’s the heart of Episode 156 of Spam Filter for Your Brain, where HiLy uncovers how your own mindset can radically shift the way you relate to others and, crucially, to yourself. If you’ve ever felt swept up in someone else’s drama, found yourself blaming them for your own feelings, or sensed that your behaviour is somehow dictated by others, then this post will feel like coming home.
Rethinking Relationships: More Than Just Communication Skills
We often think improving relationships means mastering communication skills or learning more effective ways to deal with conflict. Yet, as HeardinLondon asserts, every interaction we have—whether with friends, colleagues, or family - is relational. It goes beyond the surface and deep into the core of how we act and react.
Many insightful relationship podcasts discuss boundaries, empathy, and emotional intelligence. But what’s frequently missing is a personal reckoning: tuning out expectations for others and tuning into your own responses. Instead of falling into the trap of controlling outcomes or others’ behaviours, what if you could clarify your values and show up authentically?
It’s Not About Them - It’s About Who You Want To Be
HeardinLondon gets real about the common trap: our “big old rule book” for how people around us should behave (“HeardinLondon [00:00:50]”). We get so focused on their actions—or lack thereof—that we lose sight of our desires and goals. Blaming them for how we feel might seem justified, but ultimately, it’s a pattern that saps our authentic power.
Building healthy relationship dynamics isn’t about getting everyone else to toe the line. It's about refusing to let someone else dictate your feelings and actions. It's about reclaiming your agency, choosing who you want to be in every interaction, and curating your own path—whether in personal relationships or workplace environments.
By asking, Who do I want to be here? you step out of the role of passive participant and into that of an intentional creator. This is the key to developing a harmonious relationship with yourself, which forms the foundation for all other relationships.
Building Stronger Connections: The Power of Self-Reflection
It's easy to get lost in noisy details—who said what, who didn’t deliver, who failed to live up to your expectations (“HeardinLondon [00:02:39]”). But the practice of self-reflection helps cut through this clutter. Instead of attempting to control external outcomes, shift your focus inward: clarify your values, ethics, and emotional drivers.
This mindful relational practice isn’t just about becoming a better friend or a more understanding partner. It’s about cultivating a robust sense of self that anchors you, no matter what storms might rage outside. The benefits are far-reaching: emotional resilience, greater life satisfaction, and stronger interpersonal bonds all grow from this core.
The Relationship of a Lifetime: With Yourself
HeardinLondon reminds us that the only constant relationship we’ll have all our lives is the one with ourselves (“HeardinLondon [00:04:43]”). When your sense of fulfilment is rooted in your own values and responses, you’re less distracted by the turbulent actions or inactions of others. It’s the ultimate spam filter for your brain - screening out the drama, judgment, and noise.
This episode’s lesson is simple, but it’s transformative: it’s never about what the other person is doing; it’s always about how you want to respond to yourself in that relationship. By continually building the relationship with yourself, you foster a deep sense of homecoming, authenticity, and inner peace.
Cultivating Lasting Relationships: Insights from Spam Filter for Your Brain
If you’re seeking guidance on how to be more present in your relationships, improve your self-awareness, and empower your responses, consider these takeaways:
Focus on developing self-insight and emotional intelligence.
Foster healthy relationship boundaries by clarifying your own desires, rather than enforcing rules for others.
Anchor yourself in your personal values and ethics for lasting fulfilment.
Embrace mindful relational practices and conscious communication to build genuine connections.
Remember: every interaction, whether at work or at home, is part of that lifetime relationship with yourself.
So, next time you’re feeling out of balance or tangled in someone else’s story, pause. Ask yourself: Who do I want to be in this relationship? It might just be the most important filter you'll ever use.
For more insights into overcoming common relationship challenges, cultivating authentic connection, and living more fully as yourself, subscribe to Spam Filter for Your Brain. Your journey towards intentional living and meaningful connection starts here.
FAQ Section
Quick Summary: 5 Key Takeaways
It’s about you. Focusing on your responses and choices in relationships brings empowerment.
Let go of the rulebook. Trying to control others sidetracks your own growth.
Build your self-relationship. This is the longest and most important relationship you’ll have.
Clarify your values. Acting from your values helps you feel more authentic and at home.
Respond intentionally. Prioritise your desires and ethics over reacting to others’ actions.
How do I stop focusing on what others “should” do in my relationships?
Direct answer: Shift your attention away from managing others’ behaviours and start exploring what you truly want for yourself in every dynamic. This helps you reclaim agency and stop feeling at the mercy of others.
Expanded: HeardinLondon discusses how we often get lost in our internal “rule book” for others. She suggests asking, “Who do I want to be here?” so we focus more on our side of the relationship than what others should or shouldn’t do.
What does it mean to “own my side of the dynamic”?
Direct answer: Owning your side means clarifying your values, desires, and responses, regardless of other people’s actions. It’s your personal responsibility to act from your truth—not someone else’s.
Expanded: HeardinLondon points out that this approach “creates and curates a relationship with ourselves.” Instead of shifting blame outward, we reclaim control by consciously choosing our behaviours and feelings.
How do I build a better relationship with myself?
Direct answer: You can build a better self-relationship by making choices and responses based on your own ethics, values, and desires—regardless of outside influences.
Expanded: HeardinLondon says, “The longest relationship that we're ever going to have in our lives is with ourselves.” Every time you clarify what matters to you, you strengthen your self-relationship.
Why is it harmful to let other people dictate my feelings and behaviours?
Direct answer: Allowing others to control your reactions is deeply disempowering; it lets you drift from your true self and core values.
Expanded: HeardinLondon describes this as “allowing someone else to control your behaviour,” which can leave you feeling lost, out of balance, and disconnected from yourself.
What’s the main lesson from this episode?
Direct answer: The main message is: it’s never about what the other person’s doing—it’s about how you respond and whom you choose to be in every relationship.
Expanded: HeardinLondon closes the episode with this insight, advising us to “keep building a relationship with you,” since that’s “the relationship of a lifetime.”
How can I clarify my values in my relationships?
Direct answer: Check in with yourself regularly about your values, ethics, and feelings—then consciously bring those elements to your interactions.
Expanded: HeardinLondon suggests asking, “How do I want to curate more of my life, my values, my ethics into what I'm doing?” This makes your actions feel authentic and empowering.
How do I respond intentionally rather than react to others?
Direct answer: Pause and ask yourself, “Who do I want to be here?” before responding. Let your values guide your behaviour, not just your emotions or external triggers.
Expanded: According to HeardinLondon, “The more that we keep coming back to who do I want to be here? the more that it's going to feel like coming home.”
What if someone else’s actions really hurt me?
Direct answer: While it’s natural to feel affected, your healing and growth start with focusing on your own values and actions. You don’t need to control or fix others—just decide who you want to be in response.
Expanded: HeardinLondon highlights that when we’re “more rooted in the things that are important to us…the less we get distracted and swayed off our own paths by what someone else is or isn't doing.”
How can I be more myself in my relationships?
Direct answer: Identify your core values and strive to embody them in every interaction. This lets you show up as your true self - regardless of circumstances.
Expanded: HeardinLondon encourages curating your life toward “being more of my fully myself in this relationship and therefore in my relationship with myself.”
Is trying to control outcomes ever helpful?
Direct answer: No - trying to control outcomes or people rarely leads to satisfaction and can distance you from your true self.
Expanded: HeardinLondon says, “Clarifying our own values and our own interactions…is always going to bring you closer to yourself…The more that we stray into other people's territory…the more we get lost and out of balance and out of ourselves.”
How do I practice the main lesson from this episode?
Direct answer:
Notice when you’re trying to control someone else’s actions.
Pause and ask, “Who do I want to be here?”
Clarify what’s important to you in the moment.
Respond in a way aligned with your values.
Reflect on your growth and self-relationship.
What are some actionable steps for applying these insights?
Pause before reacting—give yourself space to choose.
Ask yourself “Who do I want to be here?”
Write down your values as a reference.
Reflect post-interaction on whether you acted from your truth.
Practice self-compassion—it’s a process!
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