I think the majority of people who grew up in England find people pleasing particularly difficult as we have so many unwritten rules about what is and is not polite.
We are taught by absorption about how you do and don’t say things, and you should not ask for too much, how you don’t want to “put anyone out” {translation: communicate your needs} and for heaven forbid “be a bother” {translation: have needs}.
And because no one else directly sits us down and says “If you make any demands at all, you’ll be rejected, so you may as well not try” we are not able to full grasp the thing by it’s roots. More often than not, most of us consider it to be a personal failing. There are so many different versions of “I am too rubbish to do that” I hear on coaching calls, I cannot help but suspect that if we are all thinking this, then perhaps it is not us who are broken.
My personal suspicion is that the game was rigged this way, especially against people who were socialised as women. Because patriarchy is upheld and maintained on the backs of burnt-out women (femmes, friends and AFABS) who have been taught that overworking is their worth. That overgiving is the root to safety. That deciding to do something for yourself is selfish.
And by all the things I swear on, I think the world would be a more kind (and honest place) if we were a bit more selfish. How did that even get to be a pejorative anyway?
Because if I am not looking after my needs, who am I expecting to do it for me?
If I were to boil my whole personality down to one sentence to leave as a footmark on this world, it would be that “No” is a full and complete sentence and does not need any explanations.
And if the idea of not having to add on a paragraph of reasons and excuses why you can’t do something, I would love to invite you to my People Pleasers class.
It is available as a self study course here: www.selfcareschool.co.uk/courses/for-the-people-pleasers-selfstudy
It is also available in the course library at SelfCareSchool, where you also get a weekly group coaching call, so you can work on their stuff alongside others whilst learning from their life experiences, too.
If you are feeling exhausted from over-stretching yourself and you want to learn how it could be possible to bring more of yourself into the picture, I’d love to see you inside.
