Self-Love in Times of Rejection (or mate, you don't have to hate yourself)
- HeardinLondon
- Mar 12
- 12 min read
Spam Filter For Your Brain - Episode 173
Rejection sucks, doesn't it?
It's something that I know so many people deal with, myself included. And I've been thinking a lot about this idea of rejection and how we use other people's thoughts to validate stories that we are already telling ourselves. And this could be in a work context, it could be in a relationship context, it could be in friendships, it could be for work, If you are freelance, especially putting yourself out there, how are you using other people's autonomy and choices to reinforce some story that you're telling you about you?
And in my thinking about this, I've been looking at some of the ways that I deal with it. Looking at some of the tools that I find most useful, and I nailed it down to one, and I thought I would share that with you this week in case you find it helpful. Save it for a rainy day or the next time you feel a little bit rejected.
, If that's not something that you're in right now, and I'm super happy for you if that is the case, but store it in your first aid kit.
And that is noticing where someone else's thoughts about you or someone else's choices backup something that you say to yourself, which feels like an old story that you're carrying, that probably isn't very kind, that feels perhaps a little bit mean or critical.
And I'm thinking probably a lot mean and critical.
And just taking that moment to pause and see if you can spot what that story is. What is the thing that you think their rejection confirms about you? if you were to stop and pause, what is the thing that you think they're saying that they haven't actually said in words? So is the thing "I'm not good enough", or is that thing.
"You wouldn't be capable of this"?, Or is that thing "you are not worth it"? Or any flavor of that.
these are just some common themes that often come up in coaching calls, but definitely come up in my head, and I'm not immune to this stuff by any means.
When you notice those thoughts, It's worth identifying them like: huh, there's a story I've had playing in the background, whether I noticed or not, that probably has been influencing some stuff that's going on for me. Do I want to carry on playing that story out? Do I like the results that it gets me when I tell myself that stuff? And if not, what can I do with it?
And the "what can I do with it?" Bit is quite often just noticing that it is there first off, and then with some kindness, bringing a little bit of compassion to that story.
And by bringing a little bit of compassion to it. I mean, as a fully grown, complicated, brilliant brained adult, that you are, being able to hold more than one thing at once.
So, maybe you could be telling yourself that you're not good enough, and you could also tell yourself at the same time that you are quite a good friend.
Maybe you might be telling yourself that this is never gonna work out for you, but you could also be telling yourself that you are quite kind.
You might be telling yourself that you are never gonna get any work and this isn't gonna pan out financially for you and everything's going shit, and also that you are smart and creative and have found solutions in the past.
Where is that duality and that complexity that you can hold , more than one thing at a time? Because you can, and we all do.
And when we have cracked tape in that hard shell of ferocity that we quite often hurl at ourselves, there is more space just to be able to go. " Okay, and what else?" Not "that's not true. I shouldn't think like that. They're there. It doesn't matter". But like, okay, that's painful. That hurts. And also this. I know this to be true about me as well.
Because naming these beliefs that you already have, show the strength and courage that you already carry within you at the same time as feeling hurt. They're not separate. One doesn't mean that the other one isn't there.
And acknowledging some of these value systems just shows you a little bit more about who you are as a person. That these are real strengths that you carry with you in your daily life, and that you try and embody them. That's what value systems are.
And focusing on these things that we know to be true and that are important for us is really important because it anchors us back home. It anchors us back to ourselves.
And then when we have this compassionate awareness for what's important to us, there is more space to go: okay, this feels real heavy right now. Yes, I'm worried that no one's gonna choose me. Yes, I'm worried that work. Thing's not gonna turn out. Yes, I'm really hurt by that thing that my friend said behind my back...
this is fear, and fear is a perfectly natural response to feeling rejected. This is old programming going on in our brains.
It is familiar and it's understandable and it's exceedingly, exceedingly human.
But it doesn't define all of who you are not by a million miles.
And just trying to softly remember that you yourself have these values in place as well as this hurt, even though there is that fear there.
It just serves to ever so slightly soften and rewrite the narrative of rather than, "this is the thing that always happens..." but " even in the face of this, I know who I am". "Even when I'm frightened, there is care here, kindness here". "Even when someone says things that hurt, And land in me in a place that is so tender that also I can show up for my mates on a Wednesday lunchtime."
What are these things for you that make you, you, rather than making someone else's behaviour mean that your identity crumbles?
It doesn't erase the anger or the fear or the rejection, but it just creates a little bit of space. So you can hold both the hard feelings and your inner strength at the same time.
And that space helps you feel less overwhelmed. Less like you're crumbling to old things that might not have served you very well.
It enables you to feel more steady and more calm in yourself and more certain of your steps forward.
And slowly, it builds a habit as to how you can respond over time when other people do the things that they're going to, because they will 'cause people, people.
And with this, Slow shift into being able to hold with tenderness, the two things, you can start to rewrite your story. It just shifts some of that stuckness of the ways that you might have been being very unkind to yourself in the past, not by trying to force it away or get into any kind of denial, but just allowing your brain that more than one thing can be true.
There is more than one truth to hold, and someone else's truth doesn't mean more than yours does, and it isn't more important or more valid than the things that you hold true and the things that are true for you.
And with that, you can bring yourself further home, to remember that you are worthy and whole, even when you are hurting and even when it feels hard.
I hope that that is useful for you this week. There are resources in the show notes.
I would be so grateful if you find this podcast useful, If you were to go onto your podcast listening serivce of choice and write a little review. 'cause that's how they want to recommend it to other people and get into their ears. And that would be really useful for me. If you'd like to gimme a little hat tip back, that would be something so kind and I'd be so grateful.
Wishing you all of the care and for you to remember that this is here next time you're feeling a little bit hurt.
And I'll speak to you next week.
Navigating Self-Love in Times of Rejection: How to Anchor Yourself When the World Feels Heavy
Rejection stings. There’s no getting around it. Whether it’s in our careers, romantic relationships, or the delicate fabric of our friendships, feeling unwanted can strike a very raw, familiar nerve. But what happens when we let those external experiences shape the narrative we tell ourselves? How can we practise self-love when facing the stormy weather of rejection? Inspired by the heartfelt wisdom of the Spam Filter for Your Brain podcast, this is your gentle guide to holding yourself steady—even when others, intentionally or not, make you wobble.
The Stories We Tell Ourselves About Rejection
All too often, when someone says ‘no’—or even just looks the other way—we leap to conclusions far beyond what’s actually been said. Maybe you didn’t get that job offer, or a friendship has grown distant, or a creative proposal’s been turned down. In these moments, we start to craft stories that often echo long-held, critical beliefs about our own worth.
Are you telling yourself, I’m not good enough, I’ll never measure up, or I’m too much/too little? According to HiLy, host of “Spam Filter for Your Brain”, these internal narratives tend to be old stories, worn into us by past experience but habitually reinforced when someone else exercises their autonomy. Rejection starts to feel like proof of those harsh, background beliefs—when, in reality, it’s simply someone else’s choice, not a statement about your identity.
How to Notice and Interrupt Self-Critical Thinking
The first, and perhaps most important step, is awareness. Pause. Notice the voice in your head spinning that old record. Ask yourself: What am I making this rejection mean about me? Is it confirming an ancient fear that you’re unloveable, unworthy, or destined for disappointment?
By shining a gentle light on these thoughts, you gain the power to decide whether you want to keep playing this story out. This reflective practice forms the bedrock of emotional self-care in the face of rejection.
The Power of Compassion and Duality
Here lies a transformative piece of the puzzle that HeardinLondon highlights: bringing compassion to your hard thoughts. Rather than doubling down on self-criticism, try to find a way to hold your pain and your virtues together. Maybe you feel like you’re not good enough at work, but you also know you’re a deeply caring friend. Maybe a rejection stings, but you can see that you are resilient and creative—you’ve tackled challenges before and found solutions.
We humans are marvellously complex, able to hold more than one thing at once. That duality is not a weakness but a strength: I’m hurting, but I’m also strong. I’m scared, but I’m inherently kind. This is how real self-love flourishes—in the messy, beautiful intersection of our pain and our power.
Accepting Fear Without Letting It Define You
Fear after rejection is extraordinarily human. Our brains are wired to fire off alarms at the faintest whiff of exclusion. But that fear, as natural as it is, does not define the whole of who you are—not even close.
By recognising that you can hold fear and strength at once, you create a sliver of space around the hurt. In that space, you begin to soften the old stories, make them less rigid, and make room for new possibilities about who you are.
Building Inner Anchors: What Remains True No Matter What
Practical self-love in times of rejection means cultivating inner anchors—those qualities and values you know are true about yourself even when you feel lost. Are you brave? Dependable? Creative? Generous? The world can rock you, but holding on to your core truths helps you weather any rejection.
Rejection won’t erase your anger or fear, but realising your strengths allows you to hold both at once—pain and power, sadness and hope. Over time, as you practise this kind inner awareness, you’ll feel less overwhelmed and more able to keep your balance no matter what life throws your way.
Your Worth Is Not Up For Validation
Here’s the quiet magic: someone else’s opinion doesn't diminish your worth. Their truth can exist, and so can yours. The next time you’re spun sideways by a rejection, remember this—more than one thing can be true. Your value doesn’t shift according to the thoughts or behaviours of others.
Final Thoughts and Continuing the Journey
Softness, compassion, awareness: these are the antidotes to rejection’s sting. If you’re feeling battered right now, keep this podcast episode—or this blog post—close for a rainy day. If you aren’t, file it away in your emotional first-aid kit for when you need it next.
Let rejection be a place you come home to yourself, anchor into who you truly are, and gently remind yourself that you are worthy and whole—even, and especially, when you’re hurting.
For more resources on practising self-compassion and shifting out of self-critical thinking after rejection, check out the show notes of episode 172 of Spam Filter for Your Brain. And if you’ve found comfort here, spread the word—share the podcast or leave a review to help others fill their emotional first-aid kits with self-love too.
Remember: even in the storm, you can always find your way back home to yourself.
Quick Summary: 5 Key Takeaways
Rejection is universally painful—but how you respond can change everything.
We often let others’ choices reinforce our own critical self-stories.
Naming your negative thoughts is the first compassionate step.
Holding space for both your hurt and your strengths fosters resilience.
Anchoring in your true values helps soothe rejection and restore self-worth.
How do I handle feelings of rejection when they hit me hard?
Answer:Start by pausing and noticing the story in your head when you feel rejected. Don’t rush to push away the pain—identify what you believe the rejection confirms about you, and meet that belief with compassion rather than criticism.
Expanded Guidance: HeardinLondon highlights that rejection often triggers old critical stories. Notice them, name them, and gently question: “Do I want to carry on playing that story out?” This creates room for a kinder narrative.
Why do I take rejection so personally?
Answer: It’s a normal human response to interpret rejection as a statement about your worth—often because it mirrors longstanding self-beliefs. These stories usually play silently in the background until rejection triggers them.
Expanded Guidance: HeardinLondon explains that we tend to make others’ choices mean something about ourselves (“I’m not good enough... I’m not worth it”). Recognizing this tendency is the first step toward breaking its power.
What’s the first thing I should do when I feel rejected?
Answer:Pause and observe the self-talk that arises. Name the story that’s activated. Don’t argue with it right away—just notice, with curiosity and self-compassion.
Action Steps:
Pause after the rejection.
Ask: What am I making this mean about me?
Name the internal story (“not good enough,” etc.).
Respond with gentle compassion.
How can I stop negative stories about myself after being rejected?
Answer:By identifying and challenging these stories, and introducing a second, more compassionate viewpoint—acknowledging your strengths alongside your hurt.
Expanded Guidance:Allow yourself to hold both the pain of rejection and the truth of your positive qualities (“you’re quite a good friend,” “you are creative”), as HeardinLondon suggests.
How do I practice self-love in moments of rejection?
Answer: Bring compassion to your internal narratives. Meet your pain with kindness, and remind yourself of your value and strengths, even when you’re hurting.
Action Steps:
Acknowledge the hurt—don’t deny it.
Name at least one value or strength you possess.
Hold space for both feelings at once.
Can I feel hurt and strong at the same time?
Answer:Absolutely! You can be both hurt and resilient. HeardinLondon affirms that this duality is normal and powerful: “You can hold more than one thing at once.”
What if I’m repeatedly rejected—how can I stay resilient?
Answer:Use rejection as an opportunity to anchor yourself in your own values and strengths. Remember, your worth is not determined by others’ choices.
Action Steps:
Anchor to your values each time.
Gently remind yourself: “Their truth is not more valid than mine.”
Practice—each repetition builds your resilience muscle.
How do I recognise my own value after rejection?
Answer:Acknowledge your pain, but list your personal strengths and the values you embody daily. Focusing on these anchors you back in self-worth.
Why is it important to notice old stories in my head?
Answer:Because they quietly shape your reactions. Bringing them into consciousness lets you choose whether to keep or change them.
Expanded Guidance:Naming them “shows the strength and courage you already carry,” as HeardinLondon says.
What if I think my fears are silly or invalid?
Answer:Fears are a “perfectly natural response to feeling rejected.” Don’t judge yourself—treat these feelings as human, understandable, and worthy of compassion.
How can I develop a kinder inner narrative?
Answer:Build a habit of noticing negative stories, bringing in compassion, and affirming your own value, step by step. Over time, this becomes your new default.
Action Steps:
Notice and name automatic thoughts.
Respond with a compassionate alternative.
Repeat to build the habit.
How do my values help me during tough times?
Answer:Focusing on your values anchors you “back home.” They remind you of who you really are, beyond what’s happening or what anyone else says.
Key Quotes to Share
“There is more than one truth to hold, and someone else’s truth doesn’t mean more than yours does.”
“When there is just that little crack...there is a lot it.”
“Bring yourself further home to remember that you are worthy and whole, even when you’re hurting.”
“Acknowledging your value systems shows you a little bit more about your clarity.”
“Fear is a perfectly natural response to feeling rejected.”
“You can hold both the hard feelings and your inner strength at the same time.”
Actionable Steps to Soothe Self-Doubt
Pause and ask yourself: What am I telling myself right now?
Name the painful story without judgment.
Identify and affirm a strength or value you hold.
Allow both the pain and the strength to coexist.
Practice this compassionate awareness regularly, especially after setbacks.
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