From Self-Doubt to Self-Love: Tools for Reclaiming Everyday Joy
- HeardinLondon
- 21 hours ago
- 13 min read
Spam Filter For Your Brain - Episode 170
When I first heard about coaching, I had no idea what it actually meant. It seemed really peculiar that someone would call themselves a "life coach", like someone would know more about my life than I do. And I really steered away from it for about 10 years, not really understanding what it was, but feeling like it was a little bit cultish and like someone was trying to tell me about myself.
And that brought up all kinds of inner teenager- ness for me.
And this week I wanted to speak to you about how I use this stuff in my everyday life so that you can see how this stuff can be useful for you in your everyday life. And just to try and get your brain on side so you're not at the mercy of these thoughts that we all have going on in our heads all the time that are really busy.
So one of the key tools that I use and I encourage other people to use, is to do what I call a thought download.
Now, just take a piece of paper, could be back of receipt, could be back of an envelope, Could be a notebook that you work in studiously. And set a timer for a few minutes, three minutes tops, and just fill that piece of paper with your thoughts. Do a complete stream of consciousness, whatever's going on for you. And if you want to, fill that piece of paper with, "I don't know why I'm doing this. This feels really stupid. I just feel like I'm following up orders and I don't even know why I'm trying this. This obviously isn't gonna work..." like write it all down, whatever comes up for you.
And often, I find, more often than not, what we uncover is something that's bubbling away in the background that's bothering us. And sometimes we come up with a thought that is like, "wow, I had no idea that that was lurking around in the background disturbing and disrupting my day".
And I just had one of those instances, and I wanted to come on and record this podcast for you today to show you how I work through this stuff in real time, because I just landed on a thought that really shocked me that it was sat there.
So I was doing this free writing exercise that I do every single day, because I know what my life's like if I don't do it. And out popped this sentence from my brain, "if I was thinner, my life would be easier". And I was like, okay. I mean, systemically, that's probably true. Thin people do get treated better than fat people. And then my brain went,
"if I was thin, I would have to admit that everything going wrong is all my fault".
I was like, wow, that is one hell of a demon to be lurking around in the background. And I paused on this thought, with all the tools that I teach in self-care school and I, noticed what was going on there, and rather than judging myself for having it, "if I was thin, I would have to admit that all the stuff that has gone wrong is my fault."
And I paused and I thought, okay, "do I really believe that everything has gone wrong?"
And I invite you to just pause for a minute and think, what would you do if that thought came up for you? Because I'm sure a version of it does. "If I had X, then actually I can't get that thing because I'd have to admit that everything else is my fault". If I got that one thing that I've been striving for. All of the other stuff, the buck stops for me. What would you do with that sentence?
Because what I chose to do with it, and this is a skill that I teach within www.SelfCareSchool.co.uk, is I stopped, went, hang on a minute. Do I actually believe that everything's gone wrong? What do I mean by this phrase?
Everything's gone wrong? It's something that we can kind of recite to ourselves like it's the truth, but hang on a minute, What do I mean by that? And I peeled down a layer and I was like, oh, I mean, "my life has gone wrong". And I paused and I sat with that for a minute. I was like, do I really believe that? Do I believe that my life has gone wrong? Because I can't enjoy my life? I get up every day and I'm excited to come to work, and I love the things that I do, and I'm surrounded by incredible humans, and I can still find the silliness and joy in the tiny things. And you know, life's pretty amazing. So why am I thinking "everything has gone wrong?"
What it comes down to is this messaging that we should be always building, achieving, growing to a particular goal. I recently learned the phrase "escalator relationships", which I really like in terms of a cultural construct of how relationships should be. You know, you meet someone, you start going from a few dates, then they're your partner, your boyfriend, your husband, housewife, kids, all the rest of it.
Brilliant extra wife in there, wasn't there! Let's leave that there because you know, let's not make it all so normative.
But this idea that we're always doing something to try and build to a bigger goal. And actually, why do we want that bigger goal is because we wanna achieve happiness. We think that if we do all of these things and we get all of the jigsaw pieces in place, then the last one's gonna slot in and bingo: i'm happy now.
And actually I don't believe that that's true. And I've never seen an example of where that's true. Every single person is working towards a particular goal and they sometimes get there and sometimes they don't. And when, even when they get there, things shift and change. It's sort of like Tetris, it all sort of falls down and tumbles down and there's a new layer of like, oh, well, you know, people move on, things move on. People die, jobs get lost, money moves, energy shifts, people change all kinds of directions. This thing that we think that we are going to achieve is never gonna be achieved, and stable and done like life carries on the other side of that goal.
And, and if we are looking at that goal is like the final point where we're allowed to be happy, we are gonna be pretty disappointed because things aren't stagnant. Everything is in flux the whole time.
And what I realised was actually, as I am not, as I am no longer chasing this whole dream of what I was taught would give me happiness, you know, the marriage, kids house, job, career prospect in my, middle and 40s over here, it finally dawned on me.
As I was doing this thought download this morning that actually not only do I really love my life, but actually I'm not seeking a goal anymore. What I'm seeking is to love the hell out of every single day. I'm seeking to choose to love this adventure with the wholeness of my heart. I wanna get to the end of every day in whatever way that feels right, in that day to go, "I love the shit out of this life."
I love the shit out of the people around me, and I always try to be kind and that's really important to me. I think kindness is a vastly underrated value.
Do I think that my life's gone wrong? No. But will it impact my everyday, my decisions, my actions, the way that I feel about things, the things that I do put out there and create?
If in the background I have this little murmur, "if I was thin, then I would have to admit that everything going wrong is my fault".
www.SelfCareSchool.co.uk teaches this magnifying glass where we can just kind of like take these little parasites out of our brain and go, "Hey, what are you still doing here? This is not my messaging.
This is not my worth. This is not my beliefs. And you gotta go, this thought over here. You gotta go". And I teach you how to work this stuff through, how to stretch it out, how to put it under a magnifying glass so it dissipates. I think quite often we can find these uncomfortable thoughts, we can find these level of judgment and we can be like, "Oh! I do not wanna look at that. That is just so full of shame for me. But in truth, when you don't look at this stuff and you try and push it all down, it just seeds and it roots and it grows. There is an analogy that's quite often used in self-development work about, pushing a beach ball underwater. And the idea that like the harder you hold it underwater, the bigger the impact it is when it comes out. And I think what a lot of people miss about that analogy is you don't know where it's gonna come out. You know who it's gonna splash in the face. You don't know who it's gonna kick. It's quite likely to be you.
Having a toolkit to try and bring ourselves home to the things that are important to us, to stop these little things. Seeding in the background is the closest thing that I have ever found to peace.
And, honestly, it's the reason why I can sit on a camera. I used to hate being on camera. It's the reason that I can sit here today with such confidence and tell you with my full chest.
I love this life. I really love this life, and I bring a lot of love to the people around me.
My ultimate question always comes down to, if I have the choice, the thing that is most important to me, is I wanna sit on my deathbed and be able to answer the question with my full heart "did I love well?" And if anything isn't leading me towards answering that question, I'm not that interested in doing it.
If you'd like to be able to unpack some of this stuff yourself, so that life can just feel more joyful, more breezy, and so it can feel like the greatest adventure of you trying to navigate how we play, how we jump from problem solving to problem solving, rather than thinking that we're just constantly climbing this escalator to get something which is forever out of reach, i'd love that for you too. Do come over to www.SelfCareSchool.co.uk where we teach this stuff to ourselves and we learn from others. Packed with courses, you get weekly group coaching. You get a lot of the inside of my brain. There's learning for all kinds of styles. There's a workbook library, there are courses, there are things to listen to, things to fill out. There are places that you can communicate with others about what's going on for you. It's a really beautiful hub of nourishing learning and love.
I'd love to see you inside. Thanks for listening this week. Please go, go and play. Have great adventures and if you have the time and the space and the desire to make things a bit easier and thoroughly recommend that idea of filling that piece of paper with all of your thoughts.
Try it, see how it works out. Let me know how you get on I'll speak to you next week.
Is It True That Everything’s Gone Wrong?
The next step is so gentle, yet so powerful: ask yourself, “Do I really believe that? Has everything really gone wrong?” HeardinLondon's invites you to notice the stories your mind repeats. So many of us live with vague background hums of inadequacy, the sense that we’re missing the mark, that our lives are off track.
Yet when you actually pause and review your life, you often realise - actually, there’s joy. There’s excitement to be had in your work, kindness to be shared, and a chance to love the people around you well. Maybe your life hasn’t “gone wrong” at all. Maybe the idea that you should be further ahead is simply someone else’s script - a cultural escalator of “success” that says you must keep climbing to the next big thing.
Rejecting Constant Achievement and Embracing Everyday Joy
We are surrounded by messages urging us to keep building, achieving, and ticking milestones: a stable job, ideal relationship, house, kids. But what if the goalposts are always moving? You reach one summit, and instead of arrival, you find yourself on the next climb. It’s like playing Tetris—the pieces keep piling up, things keep shifting, the game never actually “ends.”
What HeardinLondon's realises, and what she so beautifully encourages, is the magic of stepping off the escalator. When you’re no longer seeking happiness in some far-off achievement, you’re free to “love the hell out of every single day.” True self-care lies in bringing presence, adventure, kindness, and love into today’s moments—not in chasing an ever-elusive perfect life.
Toolkit for Emotional Self-Care
So, how do you stop let toxic thoughts take root? HeardinLondon's uses the analogy of pushing a beach ball underwater: ignore and suppress difficult thoughts, and you risk them bobbing up and splashing you or those around you with even more force. Instead, she recommends the “self care school” approach: use the thought download as a magnifying glass. Examine your thoughts, get curious, and choose which ones stick around. This habit isn’t about positive thinking or forced optimism - it’s about honesty and clear-eyed acceptance, making space for self-compassion and joy.
Your Invitation to Try
If your mind is feeling cluttered, if you’re weighed down by unhelpful stories about your life’s “failures”, take HeardinLondon's invitation to heart. Set a timer for three minutes today, and let your thoughts pour out onto a scrap of paper. No editing, no judgement, just gentle curiosity. What might emerge if you dared to look?
And if you long for a supportive community and more tools for rewiring your brain for peace and kindness, explore HeardinLondon's www.SelfCareSchool.co.uk, where group coaching, workbooks, and a library of learning await.
Final Thoughts
The key to loving your life—even when it feels messy, incomplete, or off-track—isn’t found in chasing external validation or waiting for the magical “if only” moment. It’s discovered in the everyday practice of softening towards your thoughts, questioning the stories that don’t serve you, and bringing love, adventure, and kindness into every single day.
Go ahead: fill that page, embrace the chaos, and see what treasures you uncover beneath the noise. Sometimes, the spam filter your brain needs is simply a scrap of paper and the willingness to begin.
Spam Filter for Your Brain FAQ
Quick Summary: 5 Key Takeaways
Thought downloads are powerful tools for self-reflection and uncovering hidden beliefs.
Challenging internal narratives allows for more conscious, joyful living.
Happiness isn’t a final destination—it’s an ongoing daily choice.
Kindness and self-compassion are central values in navigating life's challenges.
HeardinLondon brings personal experience and expert coaching insights to guide listeners toward self-acceptance.
How do I start a thought download?
A thought dump is a simple, effective way to clear mental clutter. Just grab any scrap of paper, set a timer for 3 minutes, and write down whatever comes to mind without judging it. This practice helps uncover hidden beliefs or worries affecting your well-being.
Expanded:HiLy recommends using anything - from receipts to notebooks. Let your thoughts flow as they come, even if they seem silly. This can reveal background thoughts that are shaping your day or mood unnoticed.
Action Steps
Find any piece of paper.
Set a timer for 3 minutes.
Write whatever comes up, uncensored.
Pause, breathe, and review what surfaced.
Why does HeardinLondon recommend a thought download every day?
Daily thought downloads help prevent old beliefs and worries from silently influencing your actions. By regularly checking in with your thoughts, you create space for more intentional choices and emotional clarity.
Expanded: Like tending a garden, daily practice stops old, unhelpful beliefs from growing roots. This keeps your mind clearer and your actions more aligned with what truly matters to you.
What if I feel resistant or silly doing a thought dump?
It’s normal to feel resistance—the process can stir up old scepticism or "inner teenagerness." Recognise and write down those feelings too. Resistance itself holds clues to deeper beliefs worthy of reflection.
Expanded: As HeardinLondon shares, scepticism is expected and writing "this feels stupid" can be part of the process. The key is honesty, not perfection.
How can I deal with uncomfortable or shameful thoughts that come up?
Don’t judge uncomfortable thoughts—observe them with curiosity. By gently questioning and dissecting these thoughts, you can reduce their power over you and make space for more self-kindness.
Expanded: HeardinLondon suggests viewing these thoughts as gremlins to hold under a magnifying glass. This self-inquiry breaks the cycle of shame and suppression that gives the thoughts more power.
How do I use my thought dump to shift my mindset?
After writing, pick out thoughts that surprise you. Gently ask, "Do I really believe this?" and "What does this mean for my everyday life?" This simple questioning opens the door to shifting stuck patterns.
Expanded: The goal isn’t to judge, but to understand. Sometimes, just bringing awareness to a persistent thought uproots its impact.
Why do I feel like my life has "gone wrong" even when things are good?
Societal messages often push us to believe happiness is a finish line achieved by ticking off certain milestones. This can create a sense that we’re behind—even when life holds daily joy.
Expanded: HeardinLondon exposes the myth of “escalator relationships” and goal-driven happiness. Real contentment often comes from appreciating the present, not chasing perpetual milestones.
How can I redefine what “success” and “happiness” mean for me?
Focus on what brings you joy and fulfilment each day, not just reaching big life goals. Revise your idea of success to fit your true values, such as love, kindness, or adventure.
Expanded: Ask yourself, "What do I want to feel at the end of the day?" rather than "What do I need to achieve tomorrow?"
What is the “escalator relationship” and why does it matter?
An “escalator relationship” refers to the cultural expectation that there’s a right way to achieve happiness—following a preset path of relationships, houses, and achievements. HeardinLondon challenges this model, inviting you to forge your unique version of fulfilment.
Expanded: Breaking free from prescribed goals can bring relief and open you up to diverse, authentic ways of living and loving.
How can I make my days feel more joyful and breezy?
Shift your focus to daily adventures and the small joys in your routine. Treat each day as an opportunity to love well, be kind, and show up authentically with those around you.
Expanded: Anchoring to present moments and relationships is more satisfying than chasing ever-elusive milestones.
What should I do when I notice an old belief or "parasite thought"?
Pause and notice how it affects your mood or actions. Thank yourself for identifying it, then question if it’s truly serving you. Gently let it go if it’s not aligned with your values.
Expanded: As HeardinLondon teaches, treating intrusive thoughts with curiosity—rather than shame—helps dissolve their grip.
How do I know if coaching or www.SelfCareSchool.co.uk is for me?
If you want tools to gently unpack unhelpful thoughts, build more loving self-talk, and connect with a community of learners, coaching and www.SelfCareSchool.co.uk offer powerful support.
Expanded:HiLy provides a nourishing, practical approach, blending expertise and lived experience to help you feel seen, supported, and inspired.
What are some actionable first steps I can take today?
Try a 3-minute thought dump to see what emerges.
Reflect on one surprising thought—ask, “Is this true?”
Reframe a goal-oriented pressure (“I must achieve X”) into a daily value (“How can I love well today?”)
Practice kindness towards yourself and others.
Consider exploring www.SelfCareSchool.co.uk for community and tools.
Key Quotes
“Set a timer for a few minutes... fill that piece of paper with your thoughts, do a complete stream of consciousness, whatever’s going on for you.”
“Often we uncover something that’s bubbling away in the background that’s bothering us.”
“Do I really believe that everything has gone wrong?”
“Happiness isn’t a goal to be achieved—it’s a daily choice.”
“Kindness is a vastly underrated value.”
“If in the background I have this little murmur… it can impact my everyday.”
“Treat these thoughts with curiosity, not shame.”
“What I’m seeking is to love the hell out of every single day.”
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