Ghosting, Growth and Gratitude

Spam Filter For Your Brain - Episode 132

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I wanted to speak a little bit this week about the painful situation that most of us have probably been in at some point, where we find ourselves really looking for and craving the attention of someone who, quite frankly, isn't giving us the same kind of time, care, or respect back.

There are many situations in which this can manifest. It can be in relationships, in work relationships, or with a family member who feels like they're ignoring you a little bit. It can be. It can show up in our lives to. To look like that one person who is frankly behaving like they don't give a about you is the only person in the world who it feels like you need any kind of validation from. And this can quite often come up in, in situations of dating or any kind of romance if you're out there in the modern world. This concept of ghosting really aligns with this.

I just wanted to speak on why we might do that.

There are a lot of situations, I think, where quite often we can end up blaming ourselves or thinking that there's something wrong with us when we have these very normal reactions to human stuff. So why do we want people who don't want us is the basic question. Why is it these specific people out of all of the humans on the entire planet that seem to be the ones that we end up chasing?

And the very simple fact is that our brains process rejection or the potential of rejection to feel like danger. And danger and fear are huge motivators for us to try and do everything within our power to solve this problem and make this thing go away as quickly as possible.

As a result, we often end up running all over the place to try to get validation, whether it's to change our behaviour or to do things we don't want to do. And this is people pleasing is a frequent response to the kind of things, from ghosting to just dismissal, that we can feel within relationships. We can try to turn ourselves inside out to be the sort of person who might be liked, chosen, or noticed in any situation.

And when you frame it into that idea of being noticed, I think that you can probably quite quickly see where this harks back to a lot of childhood behaviours where we're really trying to be the one who's seen, who's chosen, who is given the special attention and so we feel safe, so we're given that that extra Brownie point, so that we can feel all right about stuff. And that kind of behaviour can really easily flow into our romantic lives, into our office lives, and quite often it can slightly creep into friendship circles as well.

And it's all very natural responses because we're running everywhere trying to be all of the things that we think are the likeable things. We run all over the place, but we rarely run home. We try to become what we think are the choosable people, rather than becoming more of ourselves and being our authentic selves, doing the things that feel truly authentic to us.

I think a really good litmus test for me when I find myself getting into situations like this is am I doing something because I think that's what the other person wants, or am I doing something that feels like if I were to do it from my heart and know that no matter what response I would be met with, that I would be met with love and I doing that thing.

And when I catch myself doing this, trying to squeeze myself into a likeable shape, I'm rarely connected with that idea of the sort of things that I would do if I were being truthful to myself.

When we stand still and we allow other people their choices to not choose us if they want to, to not spend time with us, to not date us, to not respond to our text messages, to not invite us to the big group dinner that all the rest of your mates are going to. When we stand still and we allow others their adult choices to include us or not include us.

What happens is, even though we are faced with this potential feeling of rejection, there is nothing more abandoning than rejecting yourself. And when you are trying to manipulate yourself into being someone who other people choose, rather than being the version of yourself, that is just the way that you would act on instinct, that you would act from your heart, that is rejecting a part of yourself in the hope that someone else will choose you.

There's a lovely phrase that I once heard in a Buddhist meeting, which is that the flower never bends towards the bee. The flower just stands there all beautiful and daffodilly and waits for the insect to come towards it. The truth is that the more you fill your own cup, the less you need other people to quench your thirst. There is no amount of other people's validation that is going to make up for the feeling of you rejecting yourself.

The more that you can stop and pause and stop being afraid of what other people might think, do or say in terms of not spending their time or offering their time to you, the more that you can start to work out where your time is precious for you and who you want to spend it with.

It's not about whether other people choose you or not. It actually comes down to would you actually really want to spend time with someone who doesn't want to be choosing you? This is the game of a lifetime.

And the stuff that I'm talking about here is by no means an easy feat, but with small incremental steps. And each time you do this, it will become like a little trodden pathway across a park. And the more you do it, it will become one of those pathways that we can see and eventually, maybe someone will throw down some cobblestones and we can turn it into an actual route that your brain is very happy to walk down.

When you choose yourself, you stand in your own confidence and self-esteem. What you draw towards you are the kind of people who want to spend time with the kind of person that you really are, rather than the kind of person who's just trying to be something that they might like.

And the aim of the game is to try and be someone that you like.

Good luck navigating this tricky subject. It can be so painful. This is exactly the kind of thing that we deal with on a weekly basis at Self Care School. We've weekly group coaching calls, which take place in a gorgeous space with wonderful people. And there's a whole load of courses that you get when you sign up to the membership. Not only do you get weekly group coaching calls, but you also get access to a course on relationships. There's a course on communication, there's a course on self-sabotage, there's a course on confidence, and there's a course on self-esteem.

There are many resources available to help you work out how to bring this stuff home for yourself and make it part of your everyday life, rather than something that's a cute, passing thought that's nice for other people. If you actually want to be there for yourself and stop chasing after other people who are not acting like they give a shit about you, frankly, then come over to Self Care School because that's where we grow the confidence and we support each other along the way to do so.

I'd love to see you inside. I'll speak to you next week.