Setting Boundaries Instead of Laying Down Rules
- HeardinLondon
- Jul 2
- 3 min read
Spam Filter For Your Brain - Episode 189
So someone asked me recently what is the difference between a rule and a boundary, and I specifically wanted to talk about this today in regards to the way that you speak to yourself. Because most of us think that boundaries are a really good idea Apart from when it comes to setting a boundary with the person in our heads that's giving us all of the bullying.
My general definition is that a boundary is something that you will do when someone else does something which you do or don't want in your life, and a rule is something that you tell someone that they can or can't do. Now, the problem with rules is that people can do a lot of the things that you tell them that they can't.
So for example, you might say to people ... A rule might be you can't text me after 10:00 PM. Now, that might seem like a perfectly reasonable rule, apart from people can text you after 10:00 PM, and they might. A boundary might be, if you text me after 10:00 PM, I'm not gonna respond until the next day. That is you being able to keep a boundary for yourself.
And when we phrase it like this, what it means is that other people can't breach our boundaries because it's our responsibility to be able to hold these things.
Now, I know lots of you know this concept from my work, and you've probably heard it from other people as well, but how does this show up in the way that you speak to yourself?
Because if a rule is something that you just don't want other people to do, and a boundary is something in the way that you respond to yourself, how does that show up when you have this bully in your brain, that is repeating all of these old stories that you're trying to change? How do you want to look after yourself in those moments?
So for example Perhaps you find yourself doom scrolling into the small hours, and you tell yourself that you shouldn't do that, and you have a rule that you can't do that anymore. Now, you know that you can do that. You've been doing it before, chances are you might wanna do it again. Chances are you probably do want to do it again.
A boundary would be at 9:00 I'm gonna switch my phone to silent, and I'm gonna leave it in another room.
A rule might be, " I need to listen to my body better. I'm gonna stop skipping lunch at work." A boundary would be, " At 1:00 PM, whether other people have left their desk or not, I'm gonna get up and I'm gonna go to the kitchen and I'm gonna make myself some food."
Your boundary is how you respond for you, not setting down a list of ultimatums of things that can or cannot happen. And when we move things into the territory of boundaries, what it means is we set the lay of the land for how we want world to be, rather than trying to prevent it being something that we don't want it to be.
We can waste so much energy trying to prevent things happening rather than looking at the possibility and the likelihood that they might, and how we can start training ourselves to be able to respond in a way that is more kind, more compassionate, and more in alignment with the sort of people that we want to be and the lives that we want to be living.
So super short little podcast this week about just checking in with yourself. How are you going to stand up for yourself? How are you going to look after yourself in the moments where those old habits might show up that you're trying to change?
If you would like any support on that at all, there are links in the show notes here to various different resources, including a free 15-minute coaching call you can hop on with me.
Just click the link and you can book it straight in, and we can have a chat about what's going on for you, and I'll either hopefully be able to help or be able to direct you towards some resources that might be able to help a little bit more.
I'll speak to you next week.
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