Mate, you're not a burden: Transforming the Idea of Being Too Much

Spam Filter For Your Brain - Episode 164

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There's something that I notice a lot of the people that I work with think to themselves fairly often, and that is, "I don't wanna be a burden". 

This is something that often comes up in social situations when you've got something going on for you, and you also know that lots of other people and people that you care about are also going through stuff. You'd probably quite like to share what's going on for you, or maybe just talk things through with a friend, but actually you think that you don't have the right to occupy that space, and this thought may arrive more neatly packaged as:

• "Their problems are more important than mine", or

• "I don't wanna overshadow them" or

• "I'm gonna let them speak first and, oh, look, we've run out of time. We don't have time for my needs now..." 

This week. I'd like to challenge that. I would like to offer that maybe you showing up exactly as you are, how you need and when you are asking for support as well actually encourages other people to do the same. What if you turning up and saying the things that you need help with and expressing your difficulties and talking it through with a friend isn't actually being a burden at all?

What if this allows other people insight into themselves and space to be able to show up with their own vulnerability? What if this is you leading by example, that it's okay to lean on your friends and that actually this is something that you actively encourage?

Because this idea of putting other people first quite often feels like it's quite altruistic, like you're doing something nice for other people. But often I think it's rooted in thinking that you are too much, that your space isn't as important as theirs, that your needs aren't as important as other people's, and it goes to reinforce within yourself the idea that you need to justify the space that you occupy and that you are taking away from other people when you are showing up as your full self or if you have needs.

And I'd just like to spin that a little bit this week and just see how this lands for you, take it if it's useful that what if you showing up enabled other people to be able to have more of what they want, learn from you, be able to see that it's okay to show up with needs. (because all of us have them) .

When you tell yourself that you are being too much, what you're actually doing often is dimming your light down. And what you're doing is you are retracting yourself from people who love you, who people who've chosen to have your company, people who trust you, people who've asked you to show up, people who've chosen to have you in their lives.

When you are saying that you are too much and you are dimming your light from people, you are taking something very precious, and that's you, away from people that you love.

And actually, trying to caretake other people's perceptions of you isn't particularly generous. It isn't particularly honest and it isn't particularly trusting, and that's no way to build a friendship.

And it certainly isn't a way to build more true connection, either with yourselves or with them.

Showing up in a way that you want to, in a way that you want to be treated. And if you can't access that, in a way you would like other people to be treated, is cutting down to the core of what is important to you, and it is expanding and nourishing and building the kind of relationships that you want in your life. Because they're more aligned with your values.

Always putting other people first creates a kind of imbalance that makes other people feel like their needs may also be too much. 

It can create a dynamic where it means that people don't feel trusted with the things that are important to you. 

It creates a separation and a distance from the people that you are trying to support and be open and available to, and yourself and your own needs for connection, availability, and trust.

So this week, my invitation to you, is what could be different for you if you showed up in some of your relationships? Maybe just trial it as one, But if you showed up in your relationships as someone who is willing to receive the love and care and trust of their friends of the support, who chooses the vulnerability of taking up space. What could be true for you? And how could your relationships expand and improve when you are willing to show up as your full self for the people that you love?

Let me know how you get on. There's loads of links in my bio with free workbooks. There's an offer to jump on a free solutions focused coaching call if you would like to, and there are links to some really useful courses there.

I hope this has been useful and I'll speak to you next week.  

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Quick Summary: 5 Key Takeaways

• Sharing your needs is not a burden—it encourages others to be vulnerable.

• Taking up space authentically deepens relationships and trust.

• Dimming yourself does not help others, and may hinder genuine connection.

• Receiving support models healthy behavior for friends and loved ones.

• Reframing "being too much" opens growth and true belonging.

  
  

How can I stop feeling like a burden when sharing my feelings?

It’s normal to worry about being a burden, but speaking up can help both you and those around you. Showing vulnerability can empower others to do the same and build more honest, trusting relationships.

Expanded:HeardinLondon encourages listeners to view sharing needs not as burdening others, but as leading by example—demonstrating it’s okay to ask for help. Trying it out in one relationship builds evidence that connection grows from honesty.

What does it mean to "take up space" in a relationship?

Taking up space means allowing yourself to be seen, heard, and cared for—without apologizing. It’s about acknowledging your worth and needs and participating fully in relationships.

Expanded:When you show up as your "full self," you nourish mutual trust and create a balanced, healthy dynamic, as HeardinLondon explains, rather than withdrawing and dimming your presence.

How can I encourage vulnerability in my friendships?

To encourage vulnerability, share your experiences and ask authentically for support. Others may mirror your openness, feeling safe to reveal their own struggles.

Expanded:Vulnerability begets vulnerability. HiLy suggests trialing openness in one relationship, highlighting that your willingness to receive help can deepen connection for both parties.

What happens if I keep putting others first at my own expense?

Constantly prioritizing others creates imbalance. It can reinforce the harm of undervaluing your own needs and unintentionally encourage others to do the same.

Expanded:HiLy notes that always deferring to others may create an unhealthy pattern where you and your friends both hold back, limiting emotional closeness.

Why do I believe my needs are "too much"?

This belief often comes from learned patterns and self-worth issues. It can keep you small and distanced from those who value you.

Expanded:According to HeardinLondon, telling yourself you’re "too much" means retracting from relationships with people who have chosen you, and denying them your authentic self.

How does asking for help benefit relationships?

Asking for help models trust and authenticity, showing friends it’s safe to lean on each other. It can be a catalyst for deeper, more aligned relationships.

Expanded:HiLy suggests that expressing your needs isn’t a burden—it’s an invitation for mutual support. This builds stronger, more resilient bonds.

Actionable Tips: How to show up without feeling guilty

Try these 5 steps:

1. Notice the pattern. Pay attention to when you feel like you’re "too much."

2. Reframe your thoughts. Remind yourself that sharing allows room for connection.

3. Trial vulnerability. Choose one relationship to practice showing up with your needs.

4. Observe the outcome. Notice any change in the relationship dynamic.

5. Reflect and repeat. Integrate your learning and continue expanding.

   
   

How do I start accepting love and support from others?

Begin by recognising your value in relationships and practicing receiving support, even if it feels uncomfortable at first.

Expanded:“Choose the vulnerability of taking up space,” says HeardinLondon. Try opening up with one trusted friend and note how your relationship can grow richer.

What does "dimming my light" mean, and why should I stop?

Dimming your light is hiding your true self out of fear of overshadowing others. The cost is emotional distance and missed opportunities for depth.

Expanded: HeardinLondon warns that by shrinking yourself, you "[take] something very precious...you away from people that you love." Your presence matters.

How do I handle the belief that others' problems are more important than mine?

Remember that everyone’s struggles are valid, including yours. Your space isn’t less important, and expressing your needs is healthy.

Expanded:Letting others’ problems take precedence can lead to neglecting your own wellbeing. HeardinLondon suggests balancing empathy with self-care.

What impact does vulnerability have on group dynamics?

Vulnerability builds trust and emotional safety. When one person shares openly, it can transform the group’s culture, making it easier for everyone to express themselves.

Expanded:As HeardinLondon notes, "What if you showing up enabled other people to be able to have more of what they want, learn from you, be able to see themselves?"

Can putting myself first be selfish?

Not at all—it’s necessary for authentic connection. Respecting your needs allows you to show up more fully for others.

Expanded:Putting yourself first creates balance, makes others feel trusted, and avoids the distance that comes with always caretaking others’ perceptions, according to HeardinLondon.

Free Relationships Workbook