Stopping People Pleasing Before It Leads to Burnout and Resentment

Spam Filter For Your Brain - Episode 198

Listen here

https://youtu.be/1Ea7LI7UXAo

Something I get asked a lot is how do you stop people pleasing?

Now, most of us talk about people pleasing like we just know that we're all on the same page, but I think it is really important to make sure that we define what we are talking about. So if you have the chance, and it is safe to do so, I'd recommend just stopping this recording and defining for yourself what do you think people pleasing is?

Little strategic pause there, then you have the chance to have a little think about that.

My recommendation for you to be able to stop people pleasing, if this is something that you struggle with, is firstly to stop framing people pleasing as altruism. I know that a lot of people who consider themselves to be people pleasers do so because they think that it is being nice to other people, and they think that being a people pleaser shows how much you care about people.

And I have said on many other podcasts before, and I continue to hold the view, that people pleasing is a misnomer. It's not pleasing anybody. It's certainly not pleasing everybody, and it is not acknowledging that you are also a person. People pleasing is ignoring your own needs for the sake of other people. Quite often, and the bit that we don't really like to talk about, is because we don't want to feel or think the things that would happen if we didn't take those actions. 

We want to be seen as the good people. We want to be seen as the kind people, and we know that this is the case under the banner of people pleasing because we are calling it people pleasing.

If you were just doing something nice for a friend, you wouldn't call it people pleasing. If you were just doing someone a favour or just dropping something around or just doing a little bit extra or doing something for a mate, you wouldn't call it people pleasing. You'd say that you're just dropping something around or you're running an errand or, "Of course I can get that for you."

The fact that you're calling it people pleasing lets all of us know, you and me, everybody else, that you think that you are putting yourself at the end of the queue, that you're putting your needs last at the expense of doing the thing for them. And that's worth acknowledging because I think that one of the clues in how you stop people pleasing is in trying to take a minute and trying to work out which of your needs you are neglecting by putting them first. 

And the second thing that I think is quite useful to try and pull some of this stuff apart and question whether it's something we want to carry on doing is when I people please, when I'm going that extra mile for other people, what am I trying to avoid feeling? What am I hoping that me doing that is going to allow me that I don't have now, or prevent me from having to deal with?

Maybe it is you don't want them to be in a bad mood. You don't want them to think that you're not kind and giving and generous. Maybe it is that you don't want to have to deal with the way that you would talk to yourself if they had to do that thing on their own without your support.

What is it that you are not willing to think, not willing to feel, or not willing to experience that is causing you to take these actions that mean that you are neglecting yourself and over-performing for other people?

By identifying these things, it's going to serve you in being able to see what's going on more clearly, and be able to make a decision, " Is this something I want to do or isn't it?" 

When we have these big job titles like people pleasing, "I'm such a people pleaser," or, "I was people pleasing," it sort of feels like it's inevitable, like it's just something that happens.

But it's a choice, and with each choice, there are decisions to be made. When we can look at why we're doing the thing, then we get to make a decision as to whether it's something we want to continue to do or not. 

And another tiny little stopgap reminder to just , create a bit of disruption and just get into your head a little bit is, " would I like someone to do this thing for me? And would I like someone to do this thing for me at the expense of their own needs?" Because if not, why are you willing to do that for someone else? Why would you like to do that for someone else? Why are you choosing to do that for somebody else?

Investigating with these little thoughts all over the place stops the thought patterns running on their old, well-worn groove thoughts, and stops us in a pause and makes us go, " Oh, is this a road I want to be traveling down? Is this something that I want to continue to do?"

The way that you stop being a people pleaser is to consider that your needs also matter, to question why you're doing it, and to investigate the thoughts that are causing it. 

This is the most surefire way that I have found to stop ignoring yourself in the hope that you can over-perform for other people and get the things that you want. 

I think it is really important to work out how we stop people pleasing, because I think there is a very quick slip road from people pleasing to burnout. 

Overstretching ourself trying to meet what everybody else needs at the expense of ourself runs our battery dry, means we don't have enough left to give, and that we are always end of the pile, and frankly, can quite often build up resentment.

That's not something you want in your life. I'd recommend just dabbling in these tools and seeing which ones are useful.

If you would like more practical tips like this, there are loads of free resources in the show notes below. I hope that this has been a useful one this week, and I will speak to you next week

Free People Pleasing Workbook